My friend, she brags
about meeting the Jonas Brothers-
She has floor seats to their concert
I don't
My friend, she brags
about a hot guy asking her out-
She now has a boyfriend
I don't
My friends, they brag
about little things
And I feel bad, yet
They don't
I'm happy for you,
I really am
But please don't brag, and
We won't
Stop the bragging
Please, I beg of you
If you brag, do you care about my feelings?
You don't
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
LOL I loved this; it’s light, but also carries some force and comes directly to the point. I guess you could say I found it charming (it also helps that I know how the poet feels XD).
A few things I thought you could do to improve the poem:
1) Punctuation. For the most part, it’s good, but I think with a few well-placed full stops (e.g. at the end of each verse) you could tidy things up and give it a bit more oomph. Also, you don’t need to capitalize the beginning of every line, just the beginning of each sentence (and the I's, of course).
2) I adore that third verse, and how you switch things around. Just the right amount of repetition. After that, though, things start to get a bit iffy. Rhetorical questions (i.e. ones that you don’t expect an answer to) have to be used very sparingly in poetry lest they give off that horrible emo vibe, so you might want to cut that verse. Actually, in all honesty I think the poem would have a lot more force if you cut out the third and the final stanzas altogether, leaving only “I’m happy for you, I really am, but please don’t brag and we won’t.” It’s funny, it gets the point across, and the structure doesn’t wear out its welcome.
3) One thing you could try, if you think the poem would be incomplete if left there, is leaving the final two lines of the last verse as a final couplet. Either way, you might want to play with the ending a bit.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem – it made me smile. Kudos on a great piece!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Great poem! I hate it when my friend brag
[spoiler]I brag a little when I write something really good, but I don't anything else![/spoiler]
I always tell people to never start a line with 'and' or 'but'. Now, I get to tell that to you. Toss the 'and'!
I don't get this line;
'Involuntary, and they're supposed to feel bad?'
Try to be a little clearer there.
Again, don't start a line with 'and' or 'but'. Also, toss the 'and' at the end. It isn't needed. Try doing it like this;
'Yet I don't want you to brag.'
Or, something like that.
'If you brag, do you care about my feeling?'
Try switching around the words like this;
'Do you care about my feelings if you brag?'
Something like that.
I really liked this poem! You spoke strongly, young warrior. Use the force! Kidding, I don't really like Star Wars anyway.
[spoiler]I give it a 5/10... again, I liked it. Good job