Young Writers Society

Hi! I'm a fairly new member of yws, so i'll try my best to review your poem as well as i can and hopefully it makes sense

I like your idea of this poem, it's realistic and its also what the reader could relate to it. I like that it's described pretty well throughout.
But, there are some things i'd like to adress which might help improve your poem further.

Firstly, your second sentence, "But oh, what a difference he did make!"
I find this sentence very awkward, it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of your poem, it took away the serious emotion and don't use exclamation marks, ever, only when necessary.

For the line, "for though he blinded both my eyes" the line is okay, i would just make a mino change;
"Although he blinded both my eyes"

I do really like these lines;
"My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out"

They're good because you actually want the other person to find out.

Overall good poem, hope i helped.

- Infinity x

What's awesome about this is that your rhymes are fairly subtle, so they work well. You also choose words and phrases that describe the situation with emotion and in ways that garner interest from readers without giving away precisely what this guy is doing until the end. I love that your phrases are so clear:

For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake

My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out

Hello! Guineapiggirl here to review! But firstly, welcome, welcome, welcome to YWS! The most awesome place on the internet! I hope you're enjoying yourself here!
Now, for your review! This is a lovely little piece! I think everyone can relate to this and has felt like this at some time or another, and I think you've really captured that feeling really well. So bravo on that.
I also think that your rhyme scheme, quite a difficult one, really works.
hardly any of the rhymes feel forced, and it's only going back over that i can see them.
One that did pop out at me was this line:
But oh, what a difference did he make!
Normally you'dd say what a difference he made, but that wouldn't fit your rhyme scheme, or your rhythm. I know I always do things like that in poetry and it's so hard not to but, if you can possible find a way of doing it so it's not so awkward, that would be great. You know, made and awake sort of half rhyme. And awake isn't the best word there anyway. Alert would be better.
I quite like your title and last line. I think it's a sort of different insight into the subject.
One more thing I really liked about this was the old-fashioned, lilting (?) sort of feeling of it.
Anyway, in conclusion, well done! Nice little piece. Any questions or want another review, just send me a message.

Hi there, littlemonkeygirl. Welcome to YWS! It's great to see another new face around.

Unrequited love is quite a subject. Lots of people can relate to it.
Watch out, though. Since lots of people relate to it, many poems have been written about it. And since many poems have been written about it, the subject becomes tired and cliche. You really need something in your piece to stand out if you're going to talk about unrequited love.

The first suggestion for change I'll make is to use more punctuation. It's not particularly difficult to see where one idea begins and the next one ends, but it would feel better for me if you did use more periods and commas.

He left just as he came
But oh, what a difference did he make!

But oh, what a difference did he make!
For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake

I had never thought to feel those thoughts

My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out

Hello littlemonkeygirl, welcome to YWS! I'll just try to give a few pointers here:

He left just as he came
But oh, what a difference did he make!
For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake

And as the time is going on
And change is all about
My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out

For all along I’ve known this guilt
This burden in my soul
To love someone who loves another
Why, It is no fun at all

Hi Monkey and welcome to YWS! Enjoy the site and PM me if you have any questions!

I'm going to have to second dogs here about both the grammar and the content. I generally recommend capitalizing and punctuating as in prose unless there's a good reason (which I don't see here)

Here's the thing: Nearly everyone has experienced unrequited love (yours truly included), and so we all want to write about it (again, yours truly included). The challenge, then, is to put a unique spin on this topic and avoid cliches. I think this would be easier if you ditched the rhyme scheme. Instead, focus on images. What sights, sounds, smells come to mind when you think of this person? How can you show this to the reader in a way we haven't seen before (e.g. no "crystal blue eyes")?

For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake

Hello there monkey! Dogs here with your review today. Okey dokey so we gots lots to talk about here with this piece. First and foremost WELCOME TO YWS! I do hope you enjoy your time here and if you ever need any help or a review on something you post let me know and I'll help you out .

Ok moving on to the important stuff, firstly... grammar.... grammar grammar grammar. The word we all hate but have to live with. Yes you have leniency in poetry to use grammar or not use grammar, but I argue especially in this piece that grammar is essential in order for the reader to properly be able to read the flow your intending. Other wise it looks sloppy and is difficult to read. Furthermore, you do not have to capitalize the beginning of every. single. line. I'm also not a huge fan of this writing style because it just looks boring in my opinion. Visually ups and downs is far more exciting then look at the same thing every time. So only do capitals with "I" and after periods.

Your poem here is missing some pizzaz! It's missing some spizzle and spice! You as the writer need to make the reader see what your trying to create and make the reader feel what you character is feeling. That is your first and primary goal as a writer, without either of those your poem will fall off and lose it's power. You need to make use feel what you're feeling, what did this boy do to your heart? How does it make you feel? Has your heart cracked like glass and then shattered, leaving splinters inside of you? Something more powerful, make us feel your pain.

This poem just needs a little SPICYNESS! With imagery and emotion. Then it will be on the right track. Try to make us see what the boy you feel in love looks like, why did you fall in love with him? These are things you need to elaborate on. Let me know if you ever need a review and Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh