Chapter Two
~Blood Ties~
Anaya took in a deep breath, trying to seem confident as she walked into the club. She struggled in her tight, leather skirt that barely passed her butt, and almost tripped her tall black boots. She had learned the art of seduction from her mother, but thought she might have gone overboard with her outfit, which didn’t leave much to ones imagination. Her mother always told her that her best asset was her body, and she had to use that to get her slaves. Ana prayed that it was as easy as it sounded.
She strode into the club, her hips gently swaying with the thrumming of music that danced all around her. Soon, that beating coursed through her veins and her heart beat to the same rhythm. Her confidence rose as the men in the room turned their heads, just to get a good look at her as she brushed past, gently brushing a thigh against someone else’s, hoping they may follow her to the bar.
She stopped, leaning sensually on the bar counter, and tried not to flinch as a hand stroked her thigh. She looked over at the man standing next to her, the man she had brushed against. She was pleased that he had followed her to the bar, and urged herself to stay calm as he asked her to dance. She stood straight, becoming the same height of the man in her platform boots. The man didn’t seem to care as his eyes swept across her body, landing on her chest. She struggled to keep her flirty smile plastered on her face, and kept her mind on the prize.
She took the man by the hand and led him to the dance floor. Her mother had taught her to be the woman that let her actions speak for her. She was told that men found a woman who said few words sexy, and mysterious.
His hands wrapped around her small waist, and pulled her pelvis to his. She had to hold back her disgust and followed his body, checking him to make sure he was right for her. She guessed his age to be around 25, and ready for the taking. Ana’s mouth already started to water as she stared at his thick neck. Little beads of sweat slid along it, seeming to only emphasis how tempting his neck really was. She just had to taste it.
Ana wrapped her arms around the man’s neck and pulled him closer, licking his flesh. “This is where I’m going to mark you.” She whispered in his ear.
A deep groan escaped him and he pulled her body closer to him, their bodies grinding to the rhythm of the music, the thrumming of other bodies surrounding them. She could feel the longing to feast grow stronger, and she knew she had to mark him, before she got too carried away.
She ran her hand through his hair sensually, and gripped it in between her fingers, pushing their pelvis’s together. She glanced him up and down. “Is that a lute in your pocket…or are you just happy to see me?”
A smile snaked across his face and he took her hand in his. “Do you want to go somewhere we can be alone?”
She smiled at him, careful not to show her fangs quite yet. “I would love to.” She said and he took her mouth with his own. She didn’t know what to do at first. All of her actions were just what her mother had taught her. Ana is a 16 year old girl, who had never found humans attractive, and had never had any sexual contact with a male because of that. Her body was telling her to take her chance, and bite him, but she knew very well that she wouldn’t get away with it in this public place. She had to get him away from here, and mark him.
She did her best to follow him, and then broke the kiss when she felt his tongue scrape along one of her sharp fangs. The taste of blood lingered in her mouth, and she almost succumbed to her hunger.
She took him by the hand and led him out an exit, where they entered an ally. She turned around and plastered him against the brick wall of the club. He held her body close and took her mouth once more.
“Are you sure you don’t want to wait to get to my apartment?” He asked, his eyes searching her own.
She shook her head and kissed him again, hoping to get him at an even more heightened state. His hand trailed along her thighs, moving underneath her skirt. She wanted to rip his hands off, not wanting them to feel her body like they were doing, but she resisted, knowing that it would be worth it in the end.
The man took hold of her then, pushing her until her back hit the wall of the next building, and looked into his eyes. They seemed to be glazed over, and she knew it was time to make her mark. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and began slowly sliding down the brick wall.
“Let me be your master.” She said, continuing to slide, not letting the eye contact break.
He stared at her, dumbfounded, curious of her words. “Wh…what do you mean?” His voice was breathless and husky. It seemed as though he wasn’t fully there.
Her butt was on the ground now and she gently bit his lower lip. “Let me show you.” She whispered against his lips, and he knelt down between her legs, his hands resting in her skirt, gently massaging her thighs. She brought out a dagger from her boot and worry crossed his face.
“I won’t hurt you.” She said and licked the length of the blade, making sure her fangs were revealed to him. “I need your blood to survive. Not all of it, just enough to sustain me for a period of time.” She pressed her body against him, keeping his interest on her. “Let me be your master.”
He stared down at the blade, then into Ana’s eyes. “Who are you?”
“My name is Anaya.”
He swallowed hard, seeming to not know what to say quite yet. She moved close to him, and he kissed her once more, she felt his lips move against her.
“Be my master.”
That was all she needed. She sliced open her wrist, hoping she didn’t seem to eager to make her mark. She watched as blood seeped from her flesh, and she pressed it to his lips. “Drink of my blood. Drink it, and remember that you will now always be mine.”
He drew the area into her mouth, and she watched at how willing he was to clean her wound. He licked it until it stopped bleeding, and then she turned his head, wiping an area of his neck clean. Her mouth watered as she saw the area, but she began chanting her incantation in her head, making sure to let blood rise to her teeth to transfer into his veins before she drank of him.
“Be still. The more you move, the more this will hurt.” She warned him breathlessly and attacked his neck.
She held his head between her hands, thrusting her sharp teeth into flesh, feeling the blood leaving her. He cried out in pain, and his body thrashed on top of her. She couldn’t help but feel excitement at his flailing body. She was making building her army. He was the first, and there was many to come.
Ana pulled him closer to her, and all of his muscles tensed. The last of her blood went into him, and pulled her dagger out and made an ‘X’ on the other side of his neck. She took the area into her mouth, hungrily licking every drop off of his body, feeling some leak out of her mouth and down her chin, onto her clothes. The man was panting on her, not moving as much, most of the pain gone by now. She pulled away and looked the ‘X’. Ana licked it once more, the last drop of blood being cleaned away. The wound began healing, and she struggled out from underneath the man, resting him onto his back.
She gazed down at him, breathing heavily and feeling full. “You’re mine now.” She told him and brushed a finger across his lips. “I’ll be back for you. The rest of the bitings won’t be so bad.” She said and rose, stumbling slightly and bracing herself against the wall. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to teleport back home, but she tried it anyone, and was grateful to fall onto her couch in the living room.
She felt weary from the biting, and didn’t make any attempt to move to her bedroom. She had to wake for school in a couple of hours, but she didn’t care. She closed her eyes and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
* * * *
She awoke the next morning feeling completely refreshed, and carefree, even though she still had many things to complete to ensure that she would be able to survive. She only had one blood slave, compared to her mother’s army of almost 300. Her mother told her that when she starts to mark her own people, she would need at least 15 in order to survive without killing any human.
Anaya stood in the empty living room, knowing she couldn’t stay in the apartment for much longer, but she had no other place to go. She slowly walked into her bedroom and kicked off her boots, throwing the rest of her clothes around the rooming. A glance at a clock told her she was already four hours late for school, and she decided on just skipping today, and wasn’t sure if she were to ever return again.
She disposed of the outfit that she wore to the club, it being far to revealing for her comfort. Ana wasn’t sure if she wanted to get all men that were older than her. She already had to go back to the man, to get more of his blood sometime. She was scared of what he might do to her. If he knew she was only a child, would he tell people about her? Would he hurt her when she tried to get his blood?
She longed for the support of her mother’s strong, guiding hand, but she knew she would most likely never have the help of her mother again. Lillia was gone, and they were no longer mother and daughter. They were perfect strangers now, and might not ever meet again.
A plan was needed to get the next 14 humans into her army. She couldn’t keep going to clubs. She debated of trying to get high school kids, and thought some of them just might work. Her friend, Jena, popped into her head. The sight of her pale neck had once set her off. She had struggled to not attack her human classmate, the girl she often hung out with, the girl she confided in. Could Jena possibly be a good slave? She had always been interested in the occult and what others would call the “imaginary”. Would she happily accept the role of slave to Anaya’s master? She wanted to find out, but not today. No, today Ana had to go to her first slave. He is bound to always be special to her. She hoped that she had chosen right when she marked him. She hoped he would be loyal to her, and she hoped that the comfort of an older man could help her along.
Her closet was filled with t-shirts, jeans, and belts. Anaya wasn’t one for individuality. She was different enough with who she really was. She wore whatever her friends wore, and rarely changed the basics of her attire. A pair of worn, blue jeans occupied her long, shapely legs, rips and tears lining the bottoms and her knees. Thick belts were often worn at the top. She decided to put on a black, leather, studded on. A large buckle was attached to the front. It was given to her by Rina, and the it read, “I bite” in cursive lettering. Lillia didn’t approve of the belt, but Ana found it amusing and usually chose this belt to accessorize with. A normal t-shirt adorned her thin torso, usually hugging the curves and ending just above her thick belt and low rise jeans, occasionally showing off a small amount of flesh. She liked to keep things simple, and didn’t normally wear any jewelry, with exception to her ear piercings. Six earrings lined her right ear, all in a row, and the same on her left, until it got up higher on her cartilage, where two rings adorned her ear.
Makeup was simple. A thin layer of black eyeliner on the bottom lid, and mascara. Chapstick in the winter, and the occasional dab of lip gloss all year long. Her nails would get painted by her friends when they felt they needed some amusement, so Ana’s nails were currently painted a deep purple, her toenails matching, which usually didn’t matter since she wore sneakers everyday.
Another glance at the time and she was certain that she wasn’t going to show up for school today. Instead, she walked out of her room, sliding on her ratty old sneakers, the laces tucked safely inside. A coat waited for her on the back of a chair, and she slid it on, not wanting to catch a cold from the autumn winds outside, even if she wouldn’t be walking to get to her first man.
A drop blood of could draw her to him. They were now connected, even though she didn’t even know her slaves name. She pricked her finger, and let the drop fall into the open palm of her other hand. The small drop grew into a tiny orb, and Ana pressed it into her fingernail for safe keeping. Her mother had always worn little red gems to show who she was currently biting the most. They decorated and accentuated the beauty of her pale blue eyes, and the silkiness of her pale skin that was passed on to Anaya.
Anaya decided long ago that she would keep the tips of her nails forever manicured. The glistening dark red of the blood tipped the thumb nail of her left hand, and she gazed into it, searching for the connection with the man. She weaved through time and space, following her scent, her mark. The blood she gave him drew her to him, and called out to her. She could feel it, hear it calling out to her. It was so close now, she thought she could touch him.
Her hand outstretched, and she ran to him in her mind. Her body was following the calling. She knew she was no longer in her living room. She didn’t even know where she was going, she just knew that he would be there when she became of aware of everything.
Then, she noticed her hand brush against something. She gripped it and clung to the warmth of the solid object, and when she opened her eyes again, she was holding the arm of her man.
“Who are you?” The man asked, startled at the young girl suddenly clinging to him. He wondered if she had tripped over a rock and caught his arm for balance in such a busy street.
Ana looked up at the man and smiled. “My name is Anaya.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there LAF,
"Butt" seems quite informal for what is being established in this chapter and somewhat inconsistent with the mood.
"brush" is used very closely together, causing repetition in the sentence and strips away some of the vitality of the prose.
Brushed used again.
- At this point, I can already see that the sentences lacks some vitality. You focus quite a bit on the action of the limps of the characters so excessively that it is irrelevant to the plot.
Groan? Ana and the guy are strangers to one another and have just met. I just find it random that a guy can be having such an episode with Ana's wooing. I suggest you develop this further.
"Do you want to go somewhere where we can be alone?"
This is info dumping and isn't well incorporated with the story. You've pretty much spoiled to the reader about your character. This also affected the flow of the piece, as we were slowly being introduced to further character interactions of Ana and the guy and this info dump pops in which has nothing to do with what is happening, but only to sneak in character development and back story, which ultimately failed since it is so loosely incorporated.
What the heck? Ana, a vampire can teleport!? You better have a darn good reason as to why she can do that.
Considering Ana's sexual appeal had total domination of the man, I find the above unlikely.
Who exactly is Lillia? Why mention a person's name who we know little about? Why should we care?
How does her mother know that 15 is enough to survive? What reasoning is there behind this to suggest that it was sufficient? How can you ensure that 15 is sufficient to survive? Why can't you summarize the above, saying that she needed an army sufficient enough to survive? If you write it that way, then the reader won't question the reasoning behind the relevance and importance of the amount.
Omit the comma in front of "lid".
Overall impressions:
In terms of plot and your main character, you have a solid framework of them and I am somewhat interested as to where this will go. What really let this piece down was the overall execution of your ideas.
You tend to tell more than show. Though you tried to use imagery and descriptions to show what was happening in the early parts of the piece, it faded away as the piece continued.
You resort to telling more than showing to move your plot and make us relate with the main character, leaving imagery and descriptions in the dust, which, in my opinion, are essential in being able for the reader to feel immersed with your fiction and for us to have an interest with the piece. Don't get me wrong, the telling wasn't really that bad, it was somewhat minor. I just felt that if you had taken more of an effort to show what was happening, then it would had been more intriguing.
Show vs tell also affected the excecution of Anaya.
Ana in my opinion is defined fairly well with what I have seen so far. It is obvious that you have a strong idea as to who Anaya is as a person, and I like how you incorporated aspects of a vampire with her human nature. This is evident in certain scenes in the story. At the club, she was dressed in a very open manner to make her more sexually appealing to her targets. Yet, through your telling as the piece followed on, he learn that she doesn't really want to dress so openly, but she is forced to do so because she has some traits of a vampire, and in order to survive, she has to use herself as bait so that she can mark her prey and establish a resource for survival.
However, I find the above to contradict with chapter 1 somewhat. In chapter 1, Ana has feasted on a human and decides to strip her clothes off and walk back home in the nude to avoid being caught for murder. I've already mentioned in my critique of chapter 1 that since she make an attempt to destroy or hide away the evidence (the clothes), she will still get caught regardless. After reading this chapter, I have another problem.
Was her fear of getting caught for an illegal act was enough to consider exposing her entire body and going against her comfort zone? In Chapter 2, you have shown that deep inside, she doesn't want to expose her body, but if she wants to survive, she has to make herself sexually appealing to obtain her resources to survive, even if that is going against her comfort zone. But in chapter 1, she is all hunky dory to walk in the nude back home to avoid being a potential target. Yet, by doing so, she is making herself a potential target of catching unwanted male interest, something which she doesn't really want deep inside (shown in chapter 2). Think about it, a sexy looking girl walking down the street nude. I'm pretty sure she'll be a target of interest (even though there aren't much people out during the night, it is actually more dangerous in the night than it is in the day).
The point I am making here is that your character's actions seemed to be governed by fear of death, yet this emotion isn't very well elaborated on and is overshadowed with everything else in your chapters. This really hurts the depth of Ana. She could had been quite intricate, but you fail to capture and elaborate on the reasons as to why she does what she does, making her motivates rather shallow and bare. Come on LAF, I think Ana can be an excellent character, but you need to work more on the actual execution of your character. You use 1-2 telling type sentences to compensate her actions, but made little effort to elaborate on them further.
You also ask a lot of questions which I find redundant. If you had shown Ana and the plot clearly, such questions are not necessary. You are just repeating yourself with your questions. (some of them were no brainers).
The pacing of the story is quite slow at the moment. There isn't really much sense of conflict (other than Ana's internal and some external conflicts) and not much is really happening. Ana is the reason as to why I would continue reading this.
One last thing I can say would be your word usage. Keep an eye on the formality of your words to ensure that it is consistent with everything else that's with the story. Also, avoid repetition of words and actions. I noticed that you have done that a few times in this chapter which stripped away some of your prose's vitality.
Overall, this was ok. Hope my critique helped.
Andy.
I just wanted to bring this back up in the hopes to get a crit before I post chapter three
--meow