Mortal Death, Immortal Love #1

little.angelfire wrote:
Chapter one

“Flowers for my Seelie queen.” Warrick, king of the Seelie court, said, handing over a bouquet of the rare blue rose.

**Perhaps have him say this a little more attractively "Flowers, for my dear Seelie queen" or something of that nature. I read it rushed for some reason...Also "Handing over a bouquet of the rare blue roses" sounds a tad bland. Add in more details so that it doens' t seem like such a general statement.

I took the flowers and bitterly threw them into the fiery pit. “Thank you, my lord.”

*"I took the flowers...." This sentence seems a little bland to me to. Maybe like "I snatched the flowers bitter, throwing them into the fiery pit." I really like her personality in this by the way, and how her words don't match her actions. Clever.

His smile faded from his face and he took my hand in his. “Alexial, will you never love me? I’ve done everything I could to try and make you happy.”

Anger rose in the pit of my stomach and I slapped his hand away. “You have done nothing for me.” I spat at him. “You stole me away from the Unseelie court, away from my people, and forced me to marry you. I have given you my body, my magic, and my tolerance. I have nothing else to give you, and you have nothing that could make me happy.” I turned to leave, but I felt his hand brush against my hip, the warmth of his body flowing through my white silk gown, and I hesitated.

**I like the dialogue except for "You stole meaway fromthe Unseelie court, away from my people, and forced me to marry you." That seems a little more info-dumpy to me and less realistic. I want to hear the anger in her voice.

“That human has made your heart cold and bitter.” He said in a low voice. “Is the Unseelie court where you rather be? Would you rather rule them then rule my court with me?”

**"Is Unseelie court where you'd rather be?" And "Would you rather rule them then rule by my side." Seems better for the sort setting you've placed here.

“I would rather to never see your face again. You have your son, you needn’t look upon my body for use anymore.” I told him and left, hearing his foot steps following me.

**I don't understand why she says "You have your son, you needn't look upon my body for use anymore." Is it because she's given him a son and she thought that was all he really needed? If so it would be better to just come out and say it as not to confuse the readers. Like: " I've given you a son, you needn't look upon my body for use any longer." Very interesting.

“Alexial, you shall always be my wife, but I shall allow you to live in your Unseelie court.” He said in a strong voice, and took hold of my hand once more.

I flicked my hand back and placed it limply at my side as I turned to face him. “And I wish to never hear of you or those children again.”

**How does one flip their hand back? I didn't really understand that action. Also, isn't she the one to mention the child in the first place, not him? Why is she telling him to never speak of them if she brought it up?

He bowed properly. “Yes, my wife, queen of the Unseelie court.”

I gave him a steady look and took my leave, never wanting to lay eyes on him again, the last 200 years with him being enough, and far too long.

**I really like like this ending. 200 years is a looooong time and increases my interest in the story. Can't wait to read more!

I must say, it is rather refreshing to hear something like this. As Kitty said, we need to know some background. For instance, whe does the main hate her own children? That will be an interesting development...

Wow. This is a great start.
Alexiel is coming off fiesty and resiliant. Is it wrong that I find Warrick rather sexy?
Either way, I have no complaints. Post more!

This is a good start. I think you need to add some more description but the action and dialogue you have are lovely. So far your characters still need some more development because I'm unsure as to which I dislike and which I support though I'm leaning towards the king. He seems sweet and romantic while your persona is bitter and slightly cruel. I'm not sure if that's what you wanted to portray or not...

Anyway, here's a few small changes you could make -

Warrick, king of the Seelie court, said, handing over a bouquet of the rare blue roses.

“You have done nothing for me.” [Should be a comma rather than a period] I spat at him.

“That human has made your heart cold and bitter.”[Again, a comma rather than a period and then a small h for he.] He said in a low voice.

“Is the Unseelie court where you would rather be? Would you rather rule them [s]then[/s] than rule my court with me?”

I gave him a steady look and took my leave, never wanting to lay eyes on him again, the last [s]200[/s] two hundred years with him being enough, and far too long.

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Overall, I think it's a lovely start and I'm very intrigued by the last line. Good work.