You don't know
You don't know what it's like on the other side.
You don't know what it's like to watch you slide,
down the deep end.
No, the deep end isn't here yet,
little girl, you're nowhere near it.
You don't know what it's like to watch you
tripping, slipping, falling.
I've been through it already, please God,
please spare me.
Can you prepare me for what's next?
Acid, pills, or crystal meth?
Or are you going to swallow the bottle?
Do I have to watch as the Grim Reaper dawdles?
You don't know how hard it is to hide your
dirty little secret.
Don't know how long I'll be able to
keep it.
You don't know what it's like to watch someone change
for the worse.
Tomorrow will I find you with someone else's purse?
You don't know what it's like to feel a part
inside you die.
How long can you go on
living this lie?
For this I give you such a big applaud.
You're succeeding in this world for now,when
will they notice the facade?
I hope that when you read this you hear
from my point of view,
and that no matter what you go through,
you'll know that I'll always love you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there
Alright, so this poem was pretty deep. I was drawn in from the word go. It has enough emotion and I am satisfied.
This right here was my favourite stanza.
I thought though that there were some parts where the rhyming felt a little bit out of place, forced. Maybe it's just me.
Good job though.
Ziggie
Good job, lots of emotion in this poem. Is it really to your sister? It definitely felt real reading it... I would have to agree with EAHailstone that the rhyming does seem a tad force. Poems don't always have to rhyme and when rhymes feel forced its really not a good thing. With such emotion in this poem I would agree and say don't worry about rhyming. Good job!
-MCBeff
Alright, so this was nice. It had a lot of emotion built up behind it which made it seem real (good thing), but some of the rhyming seemed forced. (bad thing)
In something as emotion-packed as this, I would say that it's alright to not have it rhyming. I don't think it would lose anything.
Is this really to your sister? because it might convince her to turn her life around...
all in all, good work.
toodles!
~emerley