Nice, I really liked it, I'd tone down the description a little but that's just my opinion. I hope you keep it up.
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OK, this once got quite a lot of description in (I'm told i can go a little over the top with description, so please tell me if it is too much.)
The green valleys of Shalim lay silent as a low mist cover the land like a blanket of pure white, only to be pierced by the tops of the tallest hills. The forest lie sleeping covered in the blanket of mist with the tallest trees pointing out their green heads. The peaceful silence was broken by the most nosiest and stupid creatures on the planet: humans.
Thou they may be the most stupid and nosiest creatures, they are all so the most powerful; not even the elves of the moon glades could match their power. They could control magic like no other being, a gift from the spirit of the Earth: Mulan. They were given such power and they used it so unwisely, they destroyed nature to make room for themselves; rather than live in harmony and protect it like Mulan had intended them to do.
The older and much wiser races had tried to stop them, but to no prevail; now with no other race to fight they fought themselves. The humans split up into seven different kingdoms, all seeking blood of each other, they fought and fought, then they made alliances, then they broke them and fought again. This war continued and plagued the land, which had once been full of peace; now only a few strands of peace remained, which are now broken by the fury of war.
Breaking the silence of the valleys of Shalim were five men on top of the tallest hill, they were tall men of the highland heights with ginger beards and strong legs. They there to break the peace, like all humans did, they would kill each other in the fury of war and their blood will stain the land and shall break the last strand of peace that exists in no-man’s land.
The peaceful wet grass was disturbed by the roaring of one of the men, a fat one with bits of food stuck in his dark ginger beard. “Gentlemen” he roared making animals for miles around flee in fear “this is last chance to apologise.” He looked around at two men facing each other ten meters apart, no one moved and so the man continued roaring “this is to be a straight duel, no cowardly moves; if one of you is to fall the other man shall wait for him to get back up, understood?” Both men nodded at the man who roared “mark your ready.” The man looked at each of the men who were facing each other and they both nodded again. The fat man roared “Fight!”
Both men extended their minds, creating a magical membrane around themselves that would protect them from harm. One of them, the taller one with an ugly scar from his left eye to his ginger beard, sprouted red fire from his hands; he then proceeded to chuck the fire at the other man, who was slightly shorter. The shorter man put his hands in front of him, with his palms up to the sky, he then pushed upwards and the water on the grass rose up and formed blanket of clear water in front of him.
The fireballs from the other man began to crash against the blanket of water, the water sizzled as the red fire was launched against it. Though the blanket of water was working it was being slowly evaporated by the other man’s fireballs, the man with the scar stopped launching fireballs at the blanket of water for a moment. Then in a blink of an eye the man who controlled the water formed it into whips that surged towards the man with the scar. The man with the scar dogged the first whip of water as it cracked a few feet away from him; he didn’t have as much luck with the second one.
The whip of water smacked him hard on the magical membrane, which protected him like a shield. The man’s membrane held in tact though and stopped him from being hurt; the man fought back launching fireball after fireball at the other man. The man’s aim was wild and with each fireball it grew worse; fireballs hit grass turning it black and hit rocks cracking them in half. Soon the hill top had turned from a peaceful and quiet place to a place with scorch marks were peaceful grass had proudly once stood.
Thou most of the fireballs were completely off target some were landing near the shorter man who again tried to whip the other man, but this time a fireball collided with it and the whip turned into steam. The man with the scar pressed his advantage launching even more fireballs at the other man as fast as he could. The man with the water whip pulled more water from the grass and added it to his current whip making it grow, he then started whipping fireballs and making them go out one by one. The man with the scar tried launching more fireballs at the other man, which were easily stopped by his whip; then all of a sudden whips of water started appearing out of the ground in front of the man with the scar.
The whips started to whip him from all side and he poured more and more of his power into his membrane to stop it being breached. The man was getting whipped from every side and he started to run out of magic, his face told it; his eyes where wide and scared and his face was white as the fog. Then without a moment’s hesitation the man with the water whips, pulled the other whips back to his main one, then formed into a giant floating bubble of water that charge at the man with the scar. It struck him with a splash and lifted straight up into the air and off the hill, he then he then pelted downwards and crashed down at the bottom of the hill; blood leaking out of him and staining the ground.
Nice, I really liked it, I'd tone down the description a little but that's just my opinion. I hope you keep it up.
You should give each of the characters names so that you can identify them easier.
I have some tips to make the duel more entertaining. From reading it seemed like they just stayed in one place. Make them move around. Also, it's always cool when the underdog triumphs. If you really want the water guy to win then make him get injured. maybe have his membrane brake down.
Just remember that when you deal with magic duels, there are so many possibilities that can happen.
hope this helps.
This was a very well thought out chapter. I saw a few spelling mistakes in there, the one I can remember is where you spelled thou instead of though. A great way to keep a fight scene quick and interesting is to try and say the character's names as little as possible. This sentence is a good example:
Then in a blink of an eye the man who controlled the water formed it into whips that surged towards the man with the scar. The man with the scar dogged the first whip of water as it cracked a few feet away from him; he didn’t have as much luck with the second one.
Though I am here for a review, I prefer to stay steadfast to the greater importance of the story, the plot. Grammer, as the other reviewers, could have been a tad bit more organized, however you seemed to keep the damge to a fair level, and was able to keep my mind in the story not on the words.
I enjoyed the battle as, like you proclaimed, the detail was immense almost as though the work was a homage to Tolkien himself. They were no ordianry hill, but they were the tallest. The man with the scar lay, but with blood pooling to prove it was no sleep. You also decided to keep the detail to the level of which did not distract from the plot. Though they were the tallest trees, they could have been imagnined as curvy or sharped along the edges, thus allowing the reader to write his or her portion of the stroyline.
I conclusion, my overall review is well. You worked to the appropriate condiitions and portions and to the best of those abilities. *****
Hey there linkasy. My name is Sureal, and I’ll be your reviewer for today.
I’m gonna go through, quote sections, and give suggestions on how to improve said section, whilst also looking out for technical stuff like errors in spelling and grammar.
Ready? Let’s go. =)
[s]Thou[/s] Though they may be the most stupid
“Gentlemen,” he roared, making animals for miles around flee in fear, “this is last chance to apologise.” He looked around at two men facing each other ten meters apart. No one moved and so the man continued, [s]roaring[/s] “This is to be a straight duel, no cowardly moves; if one of you is to fall the other man shall wait for him to get back up, understood?” Both men nodded at [s]the man[/s] him, [s]who[/s] and he roared, “Mark your ready.” [s]The man[/s] He looked at each of [s]the men who were facing each other[/s] them and they both nodded again. The fat man roared, “Fight!”
One of them, the taller one with an ugly scar from his left eye to his ginger beard, sprouted red fire from his hands; he then proceeded to chuck the fire at the other man, who was slightly shorter.
The shorter man put his hands in front of him, with his palms up to the sky, [s]he then[/s] and pushed upwards; [s]and[/s] the water on the grass rose up and formed a blanket of clear water in front of him.
The fireballs from the other man [s]began to[/s] crashed against the blanket of water, the water [s]sizzled[/s] sizzling as the red fire was launched against it.
Though the blanket of water was working it was being slowly evaporated by the [s]other man’s[/s] fireballs, the man with the scar stopped launching fireballs at the blanket of water for a moment.
Then in a blink of an eye the man who controlled the water formed it into whips that surged towards the man with the scar. The man with the scar [s]dogged[/s] dodged the first whip of water as it cracked a few feet away from him; he didn’t have as much luck with the second one.
The whip of water smacked him hard on the magical membrane, which protected him like a shield.
[s]The man’s[/s] His membrane held [s]in tact[/s] intact though, [s]and stopped him from being hurt;[/s] and [s]the man[/s] he fought back, launching fireball after fireball at the other man.
The man’s aim was wild and with each fireball it grew worse; fireballs hit grass, turning it black, and hit rocks, cracking them in half.
Soon the hill top had turned from a peaceful and quiet place into a place with scorch marks were peaceful grass had [s]proudly[/s] once stood.
[s]Thou[/s] Though most of the fireballs were completely off target, some [s]were landing[/s] landed near the shorter man, who again tried to whip the other man, but this time a fireball collided with it and the whip turned into steam.
The man with the scar pressed his advantage, launching even more fireballs at the other man as fast as he could. The man with the water whip pulled more water from the grass and added it to his current whip, making it grow[s],[/s]. He then [s]started whipping[/s] whipped the fireballs and [s]making[/s] made them go out, one by one. The man with the scar tried launching more fireballs at the other man, which were easily stopped by his whip; then all of a sudden, whips of water [s]started appearing[/s] appeared out of the ground in front of the man with the scar.
The whips [s]started to whip[/s] whipped him from all side and he poured more and more of his power into his membrane to stop it being breached. [s]The man[/s] He was getting whipped from every side and [s]he[/s] started to run out of magic[s],[/s]; his face told it[s];[/s]. His eyes [s]where[/s] were wide and scared and his face was as white as the fog. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, the man with the water whips[s],[/s] pulled the other whips back to his main one, [s]then[/s] and formed it into a giant floating bubble of water that charge at the man with the scar. It struck him with a splash and lifted him straight up into the air and off the hill[s],[/s]. He [s]then he then[/s] pelted downwards and crashed down at the bottom of the hill[s];[/s], blood leaking out of him and staining the ground.
cover the land like a blanket of pure white
The forest lie sleeping
the blanket of mist
the most nosiest and
Thou they may
most stupid and nosiest creature
Thou they may be the most stupid and nosiest creatures, they are all so the most powerful; not even the elves of the moon glades could match their power.
but to no prevail
This war continued and plagued the land
tallest hill, they were tall
from his hands; he then proceeded
blanket of clear water
Then in a blink of an eye the man
the scar dogged the first
The whip of water smacked him hard on the magical membrane
held in tact though
Thou most of the fireballs
completely off target some were
pressed his advantage launching even
pulled more water from the grass
his eyes where wide
hesitation the man with the water whips, pulled the other
Points: 240
Reviews: 66
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