Fiery Flames

Hi Lime,

Firstly, congratulations on posting your first poem. And despite it being your first, you went ahead and stretched it long, which is quite commendable. I love rhyme and I know it's not very well received by many although, when poems rhyme, they give a certain rhythm and automatically become more appealing for the reader. You show so much understanding about the concept even though you're 13 when you wrote this. You've done a lot of work on this and it shows.

You've succeeded in weaving a fine tail about star-crossed lovers who tragically are forced to leave the world. The highs and lows of the story certainly leave me struck with a lot of emotion and imagery. The language is fine and allows the reader to have a good understanding of the story. There are a few moments in the poem which really captivate and impress.

Having said the above, I find quite a few areas where the rhyming seems forced (either by lengthening the lines or by using unfavourable words). The rhyme needs to sound smooth and flow without any bumps and must be uncompromised. Still, in-spite if your mistakes, you didn't fail to convey the essence of the story and that is great. I don't like changing others' pieces but I always say this - Read through your poem again and again. Find places where you can change/alter so that it can become better than it already is. And most importantly, practice, practice, practice.

"At once I knew that you had then,
Had Death taken for a friend,
Flames danced a sad tribute,
The same ones that had been so brute."

"So on this bridge I now do stand,
A picture of you in one dark hand,
At home my parents do not know,
Of the place I am about to go."
- These are my favourite stanzas.

This poem is a great effort and I'm sure that the more you write, you can only become better. Even my first poem wasn't as great as this! I definitely want to read more from you so keep the ink flowing.

Murtuza

I have not read it yet. Instead of simply reading it and then giving m a few thoughts, I'll just give you my spontaneous reactions after each line, in red.

Fiery flames that flick and hiss, ("Flames" and "flick" make for attention-grabbing alliteration. It's also some nice imagery to set me up.)
Did erupt when we did kiss, (The "did"s are iffy. Imagine how poignant this line would be if you took them out, and then changed "erupt" and "kiss" to past tense.)
Closer, closer, danced the heat,
From your grasp I did retreat. (The "did" in this line is REALLY grating, almost to the point of me no longer reading the rest.)

Reflected in your huge eyes, (What reflected?)
The flames took me by surprise, (Oh, the flames reflected.)
The way they roared with their true might, (It seems a bit childish to say that flames roar with "true might." That sounds as if you're swooning after them. They're sooo mighty! I'm not sure what to do with this line, perhaps take it out? The whole stanza would benefit from the surgical removal of this mediocre emote.)
Made even you shake with fright. (When someone shakes, it's already implied that they're frightened. And so, I'd have to say that "with fright" is superfluous- only there for the sake of rhyme.)

(It's not that the above stanza was horrible, it just seemed like its only use was to be cathartic for the rest of the poem. Too much telling; not enough showing.)

To our hope, the door, we fled,(The commas slowed this line down immensely. Not sure what you can do about that.)
Reaching it delivered the dread, (Delete "the.")
Boiling terror stopped our way,
And to the window we would stray. (Completely contrived line only used for the sake of rhyme. If something's only going to be used as a rhyme, then don't use it at all.)

You heaved me up to the bench,
As the room the flames did drench,
With blistering heat right in my face,
I took you in an embrace. (Completely contrived stanza only used for the sake of rhyme. If something's only going to be used as a rhyme, then don't use it at all.)

When I tore my lips from yours, (Different word than "tore.")
I saw what our delay did cause, (Finally, a non-double-rhyme! Such relief!)
Blazing flames had danced too close,
Now I knew I loved you most. ("Most" is another rhyming contrivance that sacrifices emotional meaning. Try "ardently" or "fiercely.")

I could not leave you, could not bear,
A life without you always there,
But, wanting to save my life,
You caused me all this endless strife. (Wow. This stanza manages, somehow, to actually rhyme and have literary weight all at the same time.)


With your fist the window smashed, (First flames, then windows. WHere are they?)
Giving me a chance to freedom dash, (Contrived rhyme.)
My true love sweet, my true love pure,
Our fate together then did lure. ("Lure"'s a good word. It has implications to it.)

I would not leave you there to die,
You were the one who made me cry, (Die, cry. Just abandon rhyming; rhyming's old and outdated.)
With despair that I must leave,
You to die and me to grieve. (Leave, grieve. A good rhyme.)

You pulled me closed and kissed me too, ("closed" should be "close.")
I responded as I love you,
But you wanted something that I did not,
My freedom from death, which I got. (Made no sense to me but, but that's a sign of deep poetry.)

As I kissed you, my boyfriend, (I take that back. All this time, you've portrayed something artistically only to reduce this intangible being you created to "boyfriend.")
You edged me closer to the end, (... All for the sake of yet another rhyme! Speaking of "end", when!)
Of the window, the you pushed, (?)
Out I fell, and my arm I crushed. (???)

(Attention span/)

On the ground, I dared look up,
At the flat encased in soot,
Where once we had stood and kissed,
I thought of you, the one I missed.

A final explosion, did then bang,
Your love for me, in my head sang,
I saw a figure, lying dead,
A body clothed in flame and dread.


At once I knew that you had then,
Had Death taken for a friend,
Flames danced a sad tribute,
The same ones that had been so brute.

My own selfish loving needs,
Had committed such bad deeds.
By kissing you, all hope I stopped,
Of you escaping flames that dropped.

Asides my arm, physically unhurt,
Was I, but mentally, felt like dirt,
Could not stop crying all the night,
Thinking of your face in the morning light.

And now I sit, and grieve, and think,
About the lows that I did sink,
To, forcing you to lose your breath,
There are memories I have of your death.

No one will ever here me talk,
And on those grounds I never will walk,
Where all that sadness had begun,
Death triumphed, he had won.

The losing battle of our love,
Had flown like a single dove,
No longer were you mine to hold,
Oh, why, life do you have to unfold?


Why couldn’t I have died with you,
In flames that ate you up so true?
But no, you wanted me to stay,
Without your love I couldn’t live another day.

So on this bridge I now do stand,
A picture of you in one dark hand,
At home my parents do not know,
Of the place I am about to go.

As I jump, I’m flying free,
Elegant, bird-like, over thee,
And as I fall, so fast and strong,
I know with you I where I belong.

And where you went I now will come,
So we can kiss again, my love,
I searched for you and now you’re found,
Our love will continue above the ground.

Since you went I though of only you,
And now my final dreams have come true,
I bear the pain of death – one, who dies,
So we can kiss above the skies.

Yeah, it's all up to you.
If you like to rhyme, by golly, RHYME! If you don't, then don't.
I really liked this poem, but

"When I tore my lips from yours,
I saw what our delay did cause,
Blazing flames had danced too close,
Now I knew I loved you most."

If you are going to rhyme, I might suggest finding another word for "cause".


But other than that,
I thought it was great.

Good Job!

Sincerely,
Ciara<3

Great job and way to be creative and original. Not alot of people still do alot of poetry that include ryhming but still are advanced and a quick tip, dont change your style if you ryhme then do exctly that make your poetry rhyme. After all your writing is just an extension of yourself! and this was my favorite part... The losing battle of our love,Had flown like a single dove,No longer were you mine to hold,Oh, why, life do you have to unfold?Why couldn’t I have died with you,In flames that ate you up so true?But no, you wanted me to stay,Without your love I couldn’t live another day.So on this bridge I now do stand,A picture of you in one dark hand,At home my parents do not know,Of the place I am about to go.As I jump, I’m flying free,Elegant, bird-like, over thee,And as I fall, so fast and strong,I know with you I where I belong.And where you went I now will come,So we can kiss again, my love,I searched for you and now you’re found,Our love will continue above the ground.Since you went I though of only you,And now my final dreams have come true,I bear the pain of death – one, who dies,So we can kiss above the skies.-------- Keep it up i really liked it! you have a nack for it so dont quit.

Well it is a good poem. Just remember poetry doesnt always have to rhyme, I think maybe if you less rhymed it could of been a bit better but overall the rhythem was very good. When I was reading it I started to bob my head so that's always a good sign. Sorry for my grammer, I suck at it.
Keep up the poetry!