in the darkness of the forest, no one could see her tears. the elf king would soon be upon her, his wrath that equal to any dragon, whose hoard has just been stolen. aria ran, for in her hand, she held the key to the destruction of the most evil ruler whom had ever lived, jareth.
she had said she loved him, but it was only to get to this. she stopped for a second, glancing down at the amulet she held in her clutched fist. she held it up to the sun, what little shone through the thick covering of leaves overhead. on one side, it was simply a plain gold coin, with an engraving in the elven language. she did not speak nor could she read it, but she knew what it said.
"in death he holds me, but in life he needs me"
she didnt understand what meaning these strage words had, but she knew it was important. she flipped the coin over, and carved into the gold surface of this side was jareths emblem, a sword crossing a bow.
suddenly, overhead she heard the beating of wings, and yelling in the elven tounge. then, silence. she heard just one whisper, her name.
"aria...."
she felt the cool blade of a sword against her pale throat.
then....
nothing
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Not bad. Capitalization needs work, nut this could turn into a good story. You left a lot of openings to work with too. Pretty good actually.
Hello there!
First of all, I am just wondering why you don't use proper capitalization. It's just that, even if there's periods there, I can't clearly identify if I am reading a new sentence without these capitalizations. Moreover, you've got to capitalize in the first letter or names.
So far, that's all I can complain about, I hope that will help anyway.
Next, I think this will make a good long story. I am just interested to know why Jareth is angry at Aria? Why will it lead him to his wanting to kill her? What's with the amulet? Is it supposed to rescue her from being killed but didn't work? Because I am asking a lot of questions here, you see, you are good at putting suspense in this story. The ending is really tragic, but you did great on the story. The capitalization is all that I am worried about and some mistakes with the punctuations, other than that, you did great with the rest.
So, since you're new I'll explain my reviewing style real quick: When I review I start with nitpicks. Which will be numbered and the original line will be quoted. Then I move on to things like overall opinion and flow, etc. etc. So, here goes:
1. Capitalization...it is necessary.
2. "aria ran, for in her hand, she held the key to the destruction of the most evil ruler whom had ever lived, jareth"
In school, we're always told to "show, don't tell". Show me he's an evil ruler. Don't tell me.
3. "his wrath that equal to any dragon"
The word "that" doesn't make sense.
4. " she had said she loved him, but it was only to get to this"
This isn't anything in this context. Start by talking about the coin then move to saying that sentence.
5. You first say it's an amulet, then you say it's a plain coin, then you say it's engraved and has meaning. Find a good description and stick to it. You can change it slightly using synnonyms, but this is just going allll over the place.
6. "not speak nor could she"
Comma before nor.
7. "she didnt understand what meaning these strage words had, but she knew it was important"
In the first clause you're talking about the words, but in the second clause you're talking about the coin amulet thing. It is important that these (the clauses) should match up...which they do not.
Overall: very good. Suspensful. (I'm not good with plot stuff) So the technical stuff is good.
Uhm...thats about it I guess. Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing,
Emoti