Young Writers Society

Hello there. Rebel to review your story.

I enjoyed reading your short story. It was suspenseful, and it kept me wanting to read more. Here are mistakes I found:

"He flung open the door and lit a match and placed the flame..."

I would insert commas where the first two ands are, since the character is doing more than two things. It feels like the sentence is everlasting with all the ands.

In his first though bubble, you need to insert a comma after hallucinating.

"He continued his decent of the stairwell." -> "He continued his descent of the stairwell."

In the sentence where you put 'child-like', it should really be 'childlike'. No need to put a hyphen between the words. Same with 'ghostlike'.

Instead of putting "He turned his head side to side, nothing.", I'd put "He turned his head side to side. Nothing."

"Whoever you are, this isn't funny." He shouted into the darkness. -> "Whoever you are, this isn't funny," he shouted into the darkness.

After the word 'Argh', you'll need to put a comma. And I'd put a period after thought and then "There it is" could stand as a sentence.

Onto the last paragraph. The sentence that begins with "Retreating", you need to place a comma after "Retreating". When you say, "Not quite believing it was there", that cannot stand alone as a sentence, as it contains no subject. Instead, start it off with, "He did not believe..." or something to that effect.

I feel like the conclusion could've been more suspenseful. It wasn't the best conclusion after all that happened.

Overall, nice job with your short story!

This was indeed a nice suspense short story. I especially liked this part:
"He shouted into the darkness. But the darkness did not reply"

However, there are a few errors to be corrected:

"...continued his DECENT" It should be 'descent'.
"...what he had come HERE for" Since the story is being narrated in the past tense, it should be 'there'.
I think you exaggerated the importance of the scroll by stating it would be greater than anything ever discovered. I - and any other reader - are disappointed when it is revealed that the scroll only shows the location of a beautiful woman who was merely available for marriage.

A very interesting story nonetheless.

Hello lily! Here to review your story-

I've always been very fond of short stories, so I just had to read this! I'm going to start with the things I liked, then some things I thought could be improved, then I'll end with an overall impression:

Okay, so I thought that this was really suspenseful and that really worked here. I thoroughly enjoyed the way you wrote this, and I think it's the perfect style to the genre and the theme. You just seemed to have a really good way of describing what was going on without being boring, so well done!

As for improvements, I'd say that I'd really like to see some more imagery! What you've got so far is great, but I'd like to know a bit more. I mean, I've read my fair share of stories which include something frightening down in the basement, so what I'm picturing now when I read this is what I always picture. What I'd like to see is some more descriptions of what the basement is actually like. It doesn't even necessarily have to do with what it looks like- it could be the smell or the feel. That might sound a bit silly now, but talking about the smell really lets the reader imagine being there, is it old? Do the floors creak? etc.

Secondly, this is more of a specific thing:

He heard the door swing shut. He was trapped. He was trapped with some ghost-like figure lurking in the dark.

I like it! To me, it was like part fairy tale, part mystery! That is quite original. KLoveLace already pointed out some stuff So here are a few typos/corrections:


<The fear has entered my brain and I’m hallucinating> he told himself.-I think this calls for a comma between the thought (Italics) and "he told himself".

He continued his decent of the stairwell.- The right word would be descent, don't worry, it's just a typo.

But the darkness did not reply.-Nothing wrong here, I just wanted to mention I LOVED the personification in this little piece of beauty.

Retreating he screamed as he dropped his lantern on the cracked wooden floor. -Don't forget your commas! They'll help your sentence flow more smoothly and keep your sentence from getting confusing.

It's actually a very good, intriguing story. I really do hope you keep writing! If you ever need advice on a piece, I'd love to help you!

Hi, I'm K and hopefully this review will be helpful to you!
My first comment is that you use the word "he," quite a bit, and as I read I couldn't help but notice how often it was used. That distracted me from the story quite a bit. Then, you wrote, "he flung open the door AND lit a match AND placed the flame..." which seems silly, why not just use a comma?
Oh, and a small thing, I think it should be a semicolon instead of a comma here: "He turned his head side to side, nothing." Another small thing, if he shouts in the next line, why not use an exclamation point? Then, when he's thinking, maybe offset the "Argh," with a comma.
I do like the story overall, especially the ending and the way it builds up into it. You told a good story here, and I really like it. Please keep writing!