Smile :D

Hey lillizard! No crits on this one - shocking! We'll have to do something about that

I really like the concept here. It's a bit confusing at this stage and the structure needs some polishing, but I think you have a really interesting and unique idea. So lets see what we can do to make it better. Right now, I think the poem suffers from a lot of needless repetition (my pet hate LOL) and a shaky rhythm. You need to trim down the excess and sort out your ideas a bit more -- remember, poems must conserve words, squeeze the right amount of meaning into each selection. This is what makes a poem strong. Economy of language. So practice it!

I'm going to rewrite your verses a little and see if I cant trim them down. This is just an example - feel free to take it or leave it -- but my main point is just to get rid of some of the echoes and tighten up your meaning a bit.

My heart is dead
For I have as much feeling as the rotting floor beneath me,
My heart is dead.

My heart is dead,
for I have as much feeling as
the rotting floor beneath me.
My heart is dead.

How has it died?
Has it been dead?
My heart, my flesh is there,
But where my heart was,
There is nothing.
I see something,
Although I didn’t realize what it is.
Now I know what it is.

How has it died? How long
has it been dead?
My skin, my flesh is there
but where my heart was,
there is nothing.
Except --

A glance, a smile
To illuminate the dark abyss,
A light to brighten the valley,
The valley that had been dark.
A luminous light, laughing.
Laughing at me.

There is something:
a glance, a smile,
a light to brighten the valley
that had been dark.
A light that is laughing at me.

Why would a light laugh at me?
Would it not weep,
In pity for my dead heart?
No, it is laughing.
Laughing at me.
Laughing at my heart.

Why would a light laugh at me?
Would it not weep in pity
for my dead heart?
But this light knows my heart
is not dead, just asleep:
and so it laughs.

It knows.
It knows that my heart is not dead,
It is there, it has been.
My heart is not dead,
It is asleep. It has been awoken.
By a smile.
By a light.
Awoken forever.
Awoken by love.

And I smile back.
How can I resist? My heart
has woken, my eyes opened -
I have woken into love
with a smile.

I smile back, and I laugh.
My heart was sleeping,
It is awake,
It is full.
Full of love,
For one person,
The one who woke my heart
With a smile.

Basically, condensing your images and verses would make this poem a lot more solid and help it to flow better.

Will look forward to seeing where you go with this.

Cheers,
~bubbles