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Young Writers Society



Chapter 1

by lillizard


Chapter 1

Leafmin could barely contain his excitement. He was going on a quest! All the way to the Elven realm too. Hundreds of questions were buzzing around in his head, the answers of which, he knew his noble king would answer. Walking through the marble hallway, Thomas giddily greeted a friend and fellow commander, Boone. Boone was a tall, but stout man.

“Good morning Boone.” Thomas said with a cheery smile. “How is your day?”

“Oh, I guess its fine, although there is still some cleaning up to do on our southern boarder.”

“Why, what happened?”

“I don’t know. I think there was a riot from one of the local towns or something. Shaeb just told me to be here this morning when the king was finished talking to you. Can you come and tell me when you’re done. I’ve still got to do this one checkup on our castle defenses. I think that the king has been getting a little superstitious since the murder of his old hag of an advisor.”

“I actually like his last assistant better than the one he has now. I just don’t trust Shaeb.”

“Nonsense, Shaeb is a great advisor. At least he does his job.”

“Well, I guess. Well, I’ve got to go know or else I’ll be late for my meeting with Namad. Although, I will try to talk to you before my quest, but I really can’t make any guarantees.”

“Good luck, Leafmin, I hope that you will do fine. I know you will.”

“Thank you, and farewell, Boone.”

Walking through the hallway, slapping his feet on the floor, he noticed the echoes of vague voices down the hall, coming from behind the corridor on the left. Thomas ventured there, and began to eavesdrop on the voices.

“I know, I know, Leafmin will not go. I will make sure of this.” Thomas could hear Shaeb whispering to an unknown voice.

“You should hope not.” The voice hissed. “Or else you will be punished. I have many worse punishments than anything that you will ever imagine. If you fail, you will be begging me to die.”

“Yes, sir.”

Shaeb began walking towards the door, exactly what Thomas was standing in front of. Resisting the urge to panic, he hid behind a full piece of armor, although one of his feet was sticking out. The door opened, and Shaeb came out. He glanced around, and then decided to continue walking towards the throne room.

It is amazing that nobody besides me notices that Shaeb different acquaintances than he should. I can’t believe that Namod doesn’t realize where Shaeb’s loyalty lies.

Thomas continued to the throne room.

“Welcome.” The king boomed as Thomas entered the room.

“Hello.” Thomas nervously replied. He had not been in the king’s presence for quite a while, he noticed, which is why his heartbeat had increased at such a rapid rate.

“Thomas, come and kneel in front of me.” Namod asked in a distracted tone. “As you know, I have no knights to spare, which is the majority of the reason that I am sending you. One of the other reasons is that you are one of the very few I can trust. You are very loyal. I hope you do well on this.”

Namod may have been a king, but he was in very good shape. He was muscular, sturdy, and only a slightly bit chubby. He was very similar in comparison to Thomas Leafmin. Leafmin, however, was only a young man around the age of 17. He knew very little of the kingdom matters, but tried to find out. He wasn’t entirely naive, though. He knew enough to ask around, though. At least he tried.

During their conversation, Shaeb began walking into the room. Slithering up to the king, he sneered at Thomas.

“Oh, hello, Shaeb, I didn’t see you there. How are you doing? More importantly, how is my kingdom?”

“Everything is okay, although we have word that a couple demons were on the rampage over by Jehic.”

“Jehic?!” Exclaimed Thomas, “That’s in the elven realm. How did you get word of this?”

“I have my sources.” Shaeb said mysteriously.

Thomas glared at him. “Okay, fine. I admit. I sent a battalion of warriors in the elven realm. They saw Jehic. It was only because…”

“The king doesn’t need your stinking excuses, Shaeb!” Thomas hissed.

“Enough you two! Shaeb was doing what he thought was right, Thomas, now leave him alone.”

“But I heard him talking to this one voice.”

“Thomas, worry about yourself. Now, listen. Thomas, you need to go to Saleb before you do anything else. There will be one of my own men meeting you there, and you will be given them at your disposal, to go into the elf realm. However, I will also give you an escort of two other squires to go through the dangerous wilderness.”

“Thank you. Will we go on horseback?”

“Yes, you will be given three of the finest horses in the stables.”

“Okay, then let us be off.”

“Not so fast Shaeb snarled. He pulled out a knife.


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Tue Oct 31, 2006 6:10 am
Shafter wrote a review...



Hi, lillizard, how's it going?
I thought I'd start off the comments on this one. I'm an editor by proffesion, and let me assure you that you're talented for your age. Keep that in mind during the following critique. ;)

lillizard wrote:Hundreds of questions were buzzing around in his head, the answers of which, he knew his noble king would answer.

The wording's awkward in this sentence, and "answer" is said twice. Try condensing the sentence.

Boone was a tall, but stout man.

You can do better than that. ;) Find a characteristic that is unique to Boone and describe that instead.

“Good morning Boone.” Thomas said with a cheery smile. “How is your day?”
“Oh, I guess its fine, although there is still some cleaning up to do on our southern boarder.”
“Why, what happened?”

As a general rule of dialogue, direct questions should never be answered directly.
This is confusing. Who's Thomas?
The correct punctuation on the first line is "Good morning Boone," Thomas said...
"Border," not "boarder."

“...I think that the king has been getting a little superstitious since the murder of his old hag of an advisor.”

LOL! Good characterization.

Walking through the hallway, slapping his feet on the floor...

Why is he slapping his feet on the floor?

“You should hope not.” The voice hissed. “Or else you will be punished. I have many worse punishments than anything that you will ever imagine. If you fail, you will be begging me to die.”
“Yes, sir.”

Well, that's ominous!
"You should hope not," the voice hissed.' is correct

It is amazing that nobody besides me notices that Shaeb different acquaintances than he should. I can’t believe that Namod doesn’t realize where Shaeb’s loyalty lies.

This should be in italics, since it's a thought.

“Welcome.” The king boomed as Thomas entered the room.
“Hello.” Thomas nervously replied.

"Welcome," the king boomed...
"Hello," Thomas nervously replied.
... are correct.

The rest of the dialogue desperately needs speaker attributions, so the reader knows who's talking.

Something to keep in mind: when writing dialogue, make sure that you never have one character tell another character something the second character already knows. This is forcing exposition on your reader.

This is a good start, though. Good luck on editing!
Cheers! ~Shafter :)





It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr