Alex
I was waiting for my friends to come back. They had left early in the morning, so that they had more time to find him. Did something happen to them? Is Trisha ok? Were the legends right and the one we were looking for actually was evil? All this thoughts swarmed my mind when I felt pain. I looked down at my broken leg, and realizing I had turned too much, moved to my left. Ever since I got that injury from our last encounter with a monster, Trisha and Chris had done pretty much everything without me. Sometimes, Trisha stayed with me, but most of the time, she tagged along with Chris. I felt bad for myself. Take right now,for instance. I was in a boring hotel room while they got to look for our last team member, Fire.
Our little group was made out of three kids, Chris, Trisha, and myself, but we weren't just any kids, we were the chosen ones. When we were born, each one of the element representatives chose one of us to fight. I didn't know I was a chosen one until I met Chris. One day after school, he talked to me and he said that he needed me to fight. Afterwards, I asked my mom if it was true,and she simply nodded and said it was time. Before we left on our journey, Chris told me about his past. He told me that he found me by listening to his magic necklace. He told me that my necklace was also magical, and that I could use it to fight. At first, I didn't believe him, but when we were looking for Trisha, I heard it too.
I was staying in my own fantasy, when the phone rang. I picked it up and answered, "Hello?"
"Hey,Alex ,it's me!"I heard Chris's warm voice in the phone and burst open with questions.
"Did you find him? Is he with us? Are you guys okay?"
"Yes, we found her , not him, her. I am sorry we took so much time. We had a little fight and She insisted on going with her mom. Trisha went with her, and I am outside the hotel. They will meet us here."
I looked out the window, and saw him smiling with his dark skin and his brown hair, and a sparkle in his brown eyes. He went inside, and after a few minutes I heard a knock on the door.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Em here with the review XD
First off, spelling and grammar:
‘All this thoughts swarmed my mind when I felt pain,’ should be, ‘All these thoughts swarmed my mind and I felt pain.’
‘Ever since I got that injury..,’ should be, ‘Ever since I got the injury.’
‘Take right now,for instance,’ should be, ‘take right now, for instance.’ You forgot a space inbetween the comma and ‘for.’
‘Our little group was made out of three kids.’ You have an extra space in-between ‘three’ and ‘kids.’
‘Afterwards, I asked my mom if it was true,and she simply nodded,’ there should be a space in-between the ‘true,’ and ‘and.’
‘I was staying in my own fantasy,’ there is an extra space in-between ‘staying’ and ‘in.’
‘”Hey,Alex, it’s me!”I heard’ there should be space in-between the comma and ‘Alex,’ and one in-between ‘it’s me!”’ and ‘I’.
‘“Yes we found???her???”’ I found some of these question marks a little confusing. Perhaps you could replace the first three with dot dot dot (…)
‘not him, ???her’ you can get rid of the question marks here and still we can read the confusion you are portraying here.
‘and She insisted on going with her mum.’ The ‘she’ does not need a capital.
‘and after a few seconds I heard a knock on the door’ again, you have an unnecessary space in-between the ‘seconds’ and ‘i.’
‘I saw him standing in the hallway .’ there is a space in-between the ‘hallway’ and ‘.’ that are not needed.
‘“Hey man!", I greeted him.’ The comma here is not needed, replace it with a space.
‘He stayed in silence still staring at me,’ there is an extra space in-between the ‘still’ and ‘staring’.
‘I kept think about it when there was another knock,’ ‘think’ should be ‘thinking’.
"Alex, open up! Its me again!’ the ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’ for ‘it is.’
‘Chris number two's voice sounded again,"Alex?’ there should be a space in-between the ‘again,’ and ‘”Alex?’
‘" You shall not get help from your friends, Alexander.", he said in a dark raspy voice,’ there should be no space in-between the ‘”’ (quotations) and ‘You.’ There also should be no comma after ‘Alexander.”, he said’
‘Good, I hope Chris, The real one,gets help.’ ‘The’ should have no capital and there should be a space in-between the ‘one,’ and ‘gets’.
‘"Trisha will never be your leader!", I managed to say.’ There should be no comma.
‘The strange person chucked and said, " I don't mean the little brat’ I think you mean ‘chuckled’ and there should be no space in-between the ‘”’ and ‘I’
‘Then a question popped in my head,"Why do you only want her?’ there should be a space in-between the comma and ‘”Why’
Mesioned should be spelt mentioned.
‘Why? because she has fire power’ because should have a capital.
‘since her father was a water chosen one before he died.",he responded to my question’ there should be a space where the comma is.
‘So she had two powers.That explained pretty much’ there should be a space in-between the ‘powers.’ and ‘That.’
‘I would love to explain all of it, but I was half conscious during the hole thing’ hole should be whole. Hole is for a hole in the ground and whole is for I ate the whole cake.
‘he also called for a doctor’ he should have a capital.
‘the man fell on the floor, and so did I.’ ‘the’ should have a capital.
‘"I can't believe you could think I was that." nudging his head towards’ ‘that.’ should have a comma instead of a full stop because the whole thing is one sentence, not two.
Ok, now for what I thought, your spelling was great. You did, however, leave out a few commas and spaces in places (which I pointed out) that’s fine but I do suggest that you type up your stories in Microsoft word because it points out any mistakes you may have and is really handy.
So far, I love you plot. There are these really sweet kids that are some sort of magic people, and they go around fighting evil and stuff, everything about it is wicked. I do suggest that you write the scene you mentioned about how they encountered a monster because that would be amazing.
I do suggest that you give us a little more information on the characters in this, I was a little confused about who Trisha and Rebecca were. Just a smudge more of information would have been helpful.
I think you have a nice description of Chris, maybe a bit of description of the hotel room would be good, you could explain how she was bored and glanced around at the room, noting the clock ticking on the wall, or looking out the window at the city below.
I’d also like to know what she’s doing at the hotel too. What city are they in? And so on. I have never been to San Francisco, but I researched it, what it looks like, where it’s located and now it’s basically the main location of where my novel takes place.
So yeah, a little more information and description will do no harm.
I love the last scene, it has a nice amount of suspense, the oddities that arise in it make the reader want to read more. I really want to read more! XD
I was thinking, though, that maybe you could add a little emotion into the scene. Just describe how she feels, maybe a shiver runs down her spine when the assassin moves towards her with the dagger? I also thought it would be cute if your last sentence was ‘I smiled at him.’ Or something, otherwise it feels like the story ended a bit suddenly.
Good work on this chapter, and good luck with future writing!
From Em XD
Woo hoo! Chapter two! Nice. I just hope that it were a bit longer, so I could know more, I want to know more... Nice job! O.o