It was the last day of school. Rebecca should be happy, but she knew something was wrong. After she left her house, she saw a shadow behind her. She was being followed.
When she arrived at the school, the shadow was gone, but she saw a young girl with a ballerina dress and a tall boy with a green shirt she'd never seen before. Why did she find that so strange? They should go to her school, so Rebecca decided the best thing to do was to introduce herself, so she walked towards the two kids. When she was going to say "hi", the boy interrupted her by saying," They are getting close. I have to get Alexander, he is the only one that can kill the dragons." Did he just say dragons?, thought Rebecca. The younger girl responded,"Be quick! I can't handle them by myself, Chris." Chris nodded and ran away, so I turned to the girl." What is happening?", I asked,"Who are you?" The girl smiled, "I'm Trisha, the air chosen one." Rebecca looked at the girl again. She was short, with yellow hair, grey eyes, and a very pale skin."Is the boy the earth chosen one?" ,she asked remembering the tall African kid with bushy, brown hair
and beautiful green eyes. "Yes." she answerd, " You adapt to things faster than I do. That must be beacause I'm only nine." She was only nine? That was very
impressive, judging by the fact that she acted like an adult. Rebecca had a million more questions in mind, when she saw a dark shadow in the sky. Dragons! Trisha acted very quickly. She shot a gust of wind towards one of the dragons, maaking its fire strike itself instead of Trisha. "Stop doing that!", yelled Rebecca, "You are just making it stronger!" "How do you know that?",Trisha yelled back. "I've always liked dragons and fire creatures!", she answered. Wait did that mean maybe she was a fire chosen one? She had to help Trisha and for that she had to be certain she could help without killing herself."Trisha! "Rebecca yelled,"I think I can help!" "How?", she answered. Rebecca quickly explained her plan before the dragon came back. " But what if you aren't a fire chosen one?" answered Trisha. "I guess we have to take chances!" she responded. The dragon was getting up, and slowly moving towards Trisha. When it was about to atack, Rebecca threw herself in front of her friend and recieved alll of the dragon's flames. Luckily she was still alive. She
could finally be usefull in something. Trisha had to get close to the dragon. Rebecca was covering Trisha from the fire while she flew in the sky. Once she was close enough to the dragon she took out a small knife . "EEEEK!!" screeched the dragon as the blade pierced it's skales. "We did it!" yelled Rebecca. The small girl jumped into Rebecca's arms. When she let go, she asked," What is your name?". "Rebecca, the fire chosen one."
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this is a bit of an odd start here, cause we can't quite tell what's happening. I like the start there, we've got a nice bit of mystery, and a slow buildup towards some potential tension there, but then it transition into a lot of dialogue which by the way needs to be broken into paragraphs at the points where new people speak, but it also ends up just getting a little confusing cause it seems like at first this Rebecca person did not know anything about what was going on, then she was asking questions like she knew exactly what to ask. That's not particularly realistic there.
Okay....yeah so this is going wayyy to fast there. First of all, them instantly becoming friends that sacrifice their lives for each other is just very hard to believe and completely out of the blue there. Then on top of that we've got ourselves a situation where there's a fight appearing which I usually love in a story's first chapter but here its very random and comes kind of out of nowhere mid chapter, its one thing to throw the reader into the middle of a fight from the start, but this way doesn't quite work. And then the powers being just spelled out like that doesn't do any favors for the flow of the piece either.
Hmm....well the ending is kind of fun. I think this sort of thing could sort of work out in a movie setting perhaps, but in a story, this ends up being just a little bit of a mess here. You're gonna have to really work on the pacing here. This is the first chapter, so besides the really catchy title to the chapter and the fun premise, it also has to have a much better flow to it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello Lili, I liked your story, but I agree that it goes a little too fast. I think you should either make the chapter longer, make two parts of the chapter, or make two different chapters. Then there are also some mistakes you did that I would like to point out:
Maaking? Then you should have probably written: making the fire strike the dragonFirst of all, every time a person speaks, you should start a new paragraph.
Hadn't she just seen a dragon for the first time? Or does she mean in stories she'd heard?
Skin? I don't think dragons have skin. Probably scales.
Anyway, good job, although I really think it's too quick. Keep it up!
Hello Lili, I liked your story, but I agree that it goes a little too fast. I think you should either make the chapter longer, make two parts of the chapter, or make two different chapters. Then there are also some mistakes you did that I would like to point out:
Maaking? Then you should have probably written: making the fire strike the dragonFirst of all, every time a person speaks, you should start a new paragraph.
Hadn't she just seen a dragon for the first time? Or does she mean in stories she'd heard?
Skin? I don't think dragons have skin. Probably scales.
Anyway, good job, although I really think it's too quick. Keep it up!
Thanks! I'm not done yet, but Thanks alot
It's good, but it I think it moves to fast. I love the idea ( I'm a big fan of dragons ) but more detail would be useful. Also, I liked that the characters are a little younger than what teens would usally read.