Maple's story

The title is what drew me in: to be honest I thought of the game MMORPG Maplestory, haha! (If you haven't heard of it I wouldn't recommend it, it's kind of silly, in my opinion.) But, onto the review.

-"it{'}s {too} late to back out": you need an apostrophe in it's.
-"wierd" should be spelled "weird."
-I thought the way you described Maple was very unique: the pumpkin-colored hair, and the clue telling her to "eat herself."

I like the story but I think it needs some more background. Like, where did she meet John, and what is their friendship like? Why is she doing this scavenger hunt? Why did Dana show her so much contempt at the beginning of the archery lesson, and where did Maple learn archery before? Why is Maple so afraid of water? It's an interesting idea, but it needs some more explanation or the reader will get lost. Sometimes leaving too much to the imagination just leaves the reader confused. Keep writing!

-November Payne

Hey Lili

Let's take a look see at your story then!

The first thing I notice is that you tend to miss out little words that are kind of key to making sense of the sentence and you do this kind of continually throughout the story. The problem with this is that every time you do it, I'm thrown from the story and have to concentrate on making sense of the sentence before I can carry on.

Here's an example that Kathyloop has already pointed out - 'If want to finish it before Dana.' - which should be 'If I want to finish it before Dana.'

Sometimes you occasionally add in words as well. I'd just suggest proof reading through your pieces to try and pick these things up. Of course you can't pick everything up because sometimes your mind just bypasses these mistakes because you know how you want it to sound or read. A good tip is to just read it out loud. Doing this usually makes you trip up on the awkward sentences or the things you miss out. A lecturer of mine used to say that it's not ready to show people if you can't get through a full out loud read of it without tripping up.

Generally, I would like to see more. You have an interesting character here and I want to know why Maple is doing this contest thing and collecting the flags and why is she there in the first place? So I'm looking forward to seeing if you write more than this so I can get my questions answers! Posing questions that the reader wants to know is always a good thing though!

However, I feel like this is a little rushed. Kind of like you have grabbed hold of my wrist and are desperately dragging me through the story and I want to stop a while and get a better look at some of the things. So I think pacing is an issue here. Perhaps for this first part (I hope it's just a first part!) you need to just introduce us to the game, give us an idea about what she is doing, what she feels about what she is doing and things like that and then once we start to get a handle on Maple then you can start throwing new characters in our way and start introducing the conflicts.

Another thing, which is really cliche to say but is unfortunately true! You are telling me a lot of things here and not showing it to me, not allowing me to discover her rivalry with Dana through their interactions. Basically you're just throwing a lot of information at me in a very small space and it's a bit like you're going 'And then this too, and this...and this as well! Oh I almost forgot to throw this at you!'

So yeah just space it out, try to weave the exposition into the story and litter it throughout so we get a feel for it rather than being batted over the head with it.

But definitely keep writing on this and keep improving and I look forward to reading more that you post! And I hope you do!

PM me if you have any questions I'd be happy to help!

Bex x

hey, this looked interesting so thought I'd review it. Please return the favor and review my chapter 1 "sirena".. I posted your post, but will put my comments in UPPERCASE!

As I run down the small hill, I think of exactly why I'm doing this. Is it to prove myself? Yes. Is it just for the fun of it? Yes. Is it to prove Dana that I can do this? No (maybe a little, maybe) I THINK I'D JUST LEAVE (A LITTLE, MAYBE) INSTEAD OF USING MAYBE TWICE. Well, whatever my reason is, its to THIS IS TOO NOT TO late to REMOVE SPACE HERE back out. I already found seven REMOVE SPACE..SOMETIMES THERE ARE TWO SPACES BETWEEN WORDS INSTEAD OF JUST ONE out of ten flags, and in a very good timing. If *I *want to finish it before Dana, I have to keep a steady pace. I keep running down, imagining exactly what I have to do now. I ran, I jumped, I climbed, and I avoided traps before. What now? I DO THIS TOO, BUT AT THE BEGINNING YOUR IN PRESENT TENSE, THEN AT THE END OF PARAGRAPH YOU'RE SAYING IN PAST TENSE. IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US!
I stopPED once I reachED the bottom and grabBED the small, red flag. Around the bottom, a small piece of paper is tied, the next clue. I take the paper off impatiently, and open my backpack. There are seven flags, and an eighth one is about to join them.
The flag is now safely in my backpack and I am reading the next clue. "Run into yourself, and eat your hair" I smile at this. It seems like my friends didn't put much effort while writing this clue. If my name was something like Rebecca Bristow and had black hair, I wouldn't know how on earth I could run into myself and look inside my eyes, but with hair the color of pumpkins, and a name like Maple Woods, well, that's an other story. I know exactly where to find maple trees, and the pumpkin patches are just at the end of the woods. . I run as fast as I can. After all, I am trying to beat Dana's record of 28 minutes and 18 seconds. I reach the woods, and turn right. I remembered this from the tour John gave me. I remember that day when we first met, and how we became friends.

I'D JUST REVIEW BASIC SPELLING AND GRAMMER - DO YOU USE WORD? RUN SPEL LCHECK. MAY HELP ALOT. IT SOUNDS INTERESTING
He was her assigned companion, and he sure was good at making someone feel like home. He is a tall dark-skinned 14 year old, but can be very hyper sometimes. The moment he learned my name, he started calling me "Syrup". It sure is wierd, but I don't mind it.
I have to keep my mind in the quest. I have to finish on time. My mind has to stay focused.
Once I'm next to the pumpkin patch, the flag isn't hard to find, but the next clue must have been written by Dana. She is the only one that knows, and the only one that would use that information against me. "Deep inside what you fear the most, you will find it tied to a rock." Why does she do this? What did I do to upset her? But I know exactly what I did.
A week before, when I arrived, she saw me merely as a harmless 13 year old girl with pumpkin hair that covers her left eye. That was before archery class.
Dana was, back then, the archery champion, so she was assigned to teach me. I was excited, very excited, but Dana treated me as a baby, or a girl that has never seen or touched a bow in her entire life. "Now Maybel -"
" It's Maple, with a p not Maybel, Maple."
" Anyway," she continued, " you have to keep your arrow straight. Without making it go away. you have to hit the small circle, the small one."
I couldn't stand her, so an idea popped in my mind. I shot an arrow poorly, but making sure I hit the biggest circle in the target. " You saw that!!!! I'm a champion now! I bet I can beat you!"
Dana smirked." You have to hit the small one, remember?" She swooshed her black hair back, and looked at me.
" Bigger is always better."
" If you're so sure, do you want to bet 50 dollars for a 10 shot match?"
I smiled. My plan was working perfectly. "Bring it on!"
She shot first. "that's 20 points."
"My turn." I prepared my bow, and hit the center. Dana glared at me, and I just smiled.
We continued the game, and I beat her, hitting the center all the time. I became champion, and humiliated her. Ever since, she's been after me. She found out about my fear of water two days ago. We were playing truth or dare, and she dared me to jump in the lake. I didn't want to do it, and luckily they told us to go back to our cabins before I had to jump, but she knows what I fear, and right now I have to jump into the lake.