Published December 22, 2009
a soft slice of a shovel piercing the earth,
and the hollow thud as it falls
mercilessly
onto the colorless, joyless wooden box.
.
the wind, strong and capricious,
wrapping coats tighter
across shoulders,
throwing every color and length of hair
like willow leaves,
weeping sans tears.
.
unseen clouds, for all that care,
shade a cold world in an instant,
the next breaking, radiating
light and heat,
swimming through the cemetery,
and back beneath the clouds once again.
.
past the hum of the wind,
the soft monotony of human voice,
mumbling some symphony
of incoherent words, spilling sad farewells.
.
the final whisper of metal in earth
beckons the gathered
for one last longing glance,
ending with a listless turn away,
the silent sound of dress shoes
.
treading upon the vibrant, living grass,
plodding amongst the stone and marble
monuments of the dead.
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141,354 Literary Works • 674,379 Reviews
absolutely gorgeous! concise and dreamy and melancholy. I especially liked this bit:
"ending with a listless turn away,
the silent sound of dress shoes
.
treading upon the vibrant, living grass,"
I really liked the touch of adding the specificity of 'dress shoes' for some reason. I think I might have one minor critique about this bit:
"throwing every color and length of hair
like willow leaves,"
I might have just left it as 'every length of hair' as this way feels a little too defined. But at the same time it's a really lovely simile.
Also, with the first line I really could hear that soft, damp earthly slice of the shovel.
I suppose, to sum up, it's all the sensory details that make this poem, clear without being over-wordy or too pointed. very nice job!
For some reason, the poem is quite...apathetic? dull? I don't know, to be honest with you. It's like I'm seeing the scenes that you wrote though a murky looking-glass, and I just can't see it clearly.
Overall, your poem is quite good! Keep it up!
-Rosie =]
Your imagery is great.
I like your ending; I understand what you were saying.
I don't know why but this poem just feels kind of dull to me, but it's still good...
3/5
I enjoyed your poem the use of words were beautiful. But your last two stanza were confusing make it clear.