Young Writers Society

Hey there, Lilac. :]

Well, I just wanted to say that this seemed slightly unfinished to me, I think. There wasn't enough that was really interesting so much as it was a tad bit empty. I understood the fact that this is obviously about two people and there situation, but I didn't quite draw as much excitement or involvement from it as I would have liked to.

For a synopsis, I think this was okay, but not as great as you could have made it. The goal you might be striving to achieve would be to make this seem as interesting a story as it probably is. When I read this, it just seemed too much like other love stories before it. What's different about it? Put just a tad more depth and character in and I think you'll be pretty solid.

Aside from that though, I had my nitpicks. Mainly regarding the proper tenses involved. I tried to smoothen it up a bit. My revisions and comments are in red.

lilactree wrote:
#BF0000 ">His eyes widened, processing all of this. He felt like his heart was being cut to pieces#BF0000 ">(,) yet he was unable to do anything but watch.

She was simply gone…#BF0000 ">(I wouldn't use these ellipsis here. Maybe replace it with a semi-colon.)leaving without a single word.

Sometimes, things can only break so many times before you can’t fix it anymore and it simply falls apart.



#BF0000 ">Twenty-two year old Galen Darley was returning to her birthplace in Vancouver after abruptly leaving 6 years ago. Here, she plan#BF0000 ">ned #BF0000 ">(Writing in this kind of present tense when you're narrating can be a little awkward.) to make a brand new start#BF0000 ">(,) starting with a new college and new friends. Returning home #BF0000 ">though, also meant facing Athren, the man she so desperately loved#BF0000 ">. . . (Adding the space makes this so much cleaner of a distant thought.) and spent the last few years trying to forget.

For Athren, her returning home was like a miracle and a broken promise all wrapped together into one person. She had left him with bittersweet memories and even with his resolve of staying strong, some times, love #BF0000 ">couldn't be helped.

But when the past start#BF0000 ">ed catching up to them, it’s becoming #BF0000 ">(Would sound much better as "it became") increasingly hard to patch things up. Secrets were held, and lies were told. #BF0000 ">It was too late for doubts though because now, their lives #BF0000 ">were already intertwined with love, secrets, betrayal and the slightest glimmer of hope.