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Young Writers Society



I need help with this please!!!

by lil_lady_toni


What were you?

What were you before you came to me?
Were you the treasure at the bottom of the sea?
Were you an angel helping us all?
The Garden of Eden standing so tall.
The first glisten of morning dew,
I cant imagine - what were you?

Were you the first diamond dredged from the dark?
Were you the first fire to give off a spark?
Were you the first shooting star to make a dream come true?
I cant imagine - what were you?

I cant imagine my life before i met you,
I cant imagine who i was before a love so true.
I cant imagine how empty my life would have been,
I cant imagine my life before you, my dream.

The end seems rubbish can you help please

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Points: 890
Reviews: 23

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Wed Jul 01, 2009 8:13 pm
Babanuuk wrote a review...



Oooh, I like this very much. :D


lil_lady_toni wrote:What were you before you came to me?
Were you the treasure at the bottom of the sea?
Were you an angel helping us all?
The Garden of Eden standing so tall.
The first glisten of morning dew,
I cant imagine - what were you?


Why did you suddenly ditch the question mark? Just for the sake of uniformity, I would consider carrying it through to the end of the stanza. Maybe a comma after "all," and then a question mark after "tall"?

The second line is a little bit too long. Try something else. "Were you a treasure chest under the sea?" (9 syllables as opposed to twelve.)


lil_lady_toni wrote:Were you the first diamond dredged from the dark?
Were you the first fire to give off a spark?
Were you the first shooting star to make a dream come true?
I cant imagine - what were you?


This stanza is lovely! Every word drips with color.
Wonderful.

lil_lady_toni wrote:I cant imagine my life before i met you,
I cant imagine who i was before a love so true.
I cant imagine how empty my life would have been,
I cant imagine my life before you, my dream.


Hmm... what to do here.

Maybe the reason it seems off-kilter is because the entire poem is composed of questions and metaphors, then you suddenly change the subject and start talking about yourself.

Try simplifying the last stanze. Write a couplet that answers the question you asked in the beginning- who is this person? What metaphor best suits them?
Or ask a question that tops the rest, like in "A Dream Deferred." The poem is one question after another, and then the last line asks, "Or does it explode?"
BANG. Goes out with a boom. :D

Good luck!!

BABANUUK




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141 Reviews

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Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:17 pm
thedelphinater wrote a review...



Hi! You're a new member, so I'll try to seem fairly normal and not scare you away. :P

What were you before you came to me?
Were you the treasure at the bottom of the sea? This line seemed a just a little too long to me. Not ridiculously so, but just enough to throw off the poem.
Were you an angel helping us all?
The Garden of Eden standing so tall.
The first glisten of morning dew, The punctuation in these last two lines got a bit weird. Not exactly weird, just it didn't fit with the rest of the poem. I would either change the period to a comma, or make both the period and the comma question marks.
I cant imagine - what were you?

Were you the first diamond dredged from the dark?
Were you the first fire to give off a spark?
Were you the first shooting star to make a dream come true? All the other metaphors are good, but I must agree that this one is cliche. The line also seemed just one or two syllables too long to me, but that could just be my O.C.D.
I cant imagine - what were you?

I cant imagine my life before i met you,
I cant imagine who i was before a love so true. Gasp! Those "i"s should be capitalized. I hope it was just a typo...
I cant imagine how empty my life would have been,
I cant imagine my life before you, my dream. [b] All those "cant"s should have apostrophes between the "n"s and the "t"s. Also, this part more so than any other was very weak. I'm not quite sure what you can do about it, but I would just try rewriting this last stanza.


Overall, this poem was alright. The rhyme scheme was good, however you try and make the stanzas all the same length or have a pattern to them. As for the repetition, eh. It wasn't too horrible, though it did get a little tiring and a bit unoriginal. As the reader, it made me want to skip ahead and jut read the last half of all the lines, and that's not good. I'm not sure what you can really do about all of that without completely changing the poem, but those are a few things I would consider. Hope I was able to be of assistance.




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Wed Jun 03, 2009 6:03 pm
Jasmine Hart wrote a review...



Hi. Welcome to YWS!

The first eight lines are fine, and I especially like the alliteration of 'diamond dredged', but you're right, the ending is a bit weak. The shooting star bit is cliche. I'd try to find a fresher image.

There should be an apostrophe in "cant"- can't. Also, your 'I's should be capital.

I'd cut the last verse and rewrite it. The repetition serves no real purpose and leaves the verse a bit stale. I'd avoid cliches such as 'I can't imagine my life before I met you', 'love so true' and 'how empty my life would have been.' Instead, I'd stay with your original idea of imagining the character out of relation to your speaker.

Hope this helps.

Jas





If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing.
— W. Edwards Deming