I hate the first day of school. When you have to tell everyone about yourself in all of your classes. I hate telling people about myself, I mean they are not my friends or anything so they don't care. I would rather just sit in my room, listen to music, and do art all day. It's easier that way.
My mom died two years ago because of a car accident. It came out of no where. We are all still trying to get through it. Now that it is just my dad doing everything, things have been hectic. He is the only man in the house. I have a older one who is always out with her friends then I have a younger one who likes playing with her dolls all day.
I have been picking up the slack all the time now. My dad has been working late at the office. Meanwhile I have been making meals and taking care of my little sister Rose. And let me tell you, taking care of my little four year old sister while still trying to keep your grades up is not easy. This year though I feel like it is all going to change. Change is good. Right? ( I will be posting a new chapter every week or two )
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well I have to say this, but the personality of the protagonist here at the start seems like a total mood there, them just being completely frustrated about the first day of a school and not wanting to take about themselves to the people there. And well, it definitely is telling us quite a bit about what they're personality is like their, especially with their declaration of what they'd rather be doing.
Okayy...but of a sudden switch to family descriptions there...its a little rushed there and the transition needs a bit more work before it can actually work. Right now these two paragraphs feel just like two separate stories here. And also, I'd expect the fact that this person's mother died to affect them a bit more as they say it here. It just seems to be said without any kind of reaction whatsoever and that seems unlikely especially with it explicitly said they're still trying to get through it.
Alright, we have a bit of a change of tone there I see...a little at any rate, and at the very least this part does connect up to the rest of the story quite smoothly that first paragraph is just a bit of an outlier I think cause it kind of stands out as not quite connecting to the other two paragraphs here.
At any rate, this was a decent little prologue here, it seems like it would make for a pretty interesting story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Lil2020, hello! I actually feel the same way about introducing myself, I'm technically shy when around people I don't know or haven't seen in a long time.
"No where" is actually one word altogether.
"It came out of no where."
Two errors a little ways after that. "A" should be "an", the "a" before "older". Replace the "then" with "and".
"I have a older one who is always out with her friends then I have a younger one who likes playing with her dolls all day."
Hehe, I reviewed your note, but no spaces after the parenthesis and please click enter to avoid reading confusion. I used to have the same avvie as you; you are awesome! Keep writing these short stories, and I can't wait to see Chapter One of this book! Welcome to YWS!
-wisegirl22
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Omigosh!!! I got here for the prologue? Excellente... I love reviewing prologues! Pssttt, make sure you post a comment on my wall every time you post another chapter. I wanna read more!
Hmm, generally I don't write, or even review stories written about everyday life, but here I go!
Well, I do like your character. She seems like a nerdy teenage girl, who enjoys being by herself, rather than her friends. Which I'm glad by the way that you hinted towards the fact, that in her school there wasn't anybody that was really her friend. Good work. Subtle hints are always the best in order to keep the reader's attention. Although your hint wasn't the best in all ways, it was definitely an excellent way to start, and I hope you keep going with them!
Oh, that's some powerful wording, hon! Although, attach right onto the end of the preceding sentence, using a comma. Proper grammar form, really.
Hmm, I see some redundancy in here! Don't worry about it to much, but always remember that the way to fix redundancy is to run through and read it aloud to yourself. Redundant parts will just stick out in your ears like nothing you've ever seen!
The sentence that I put in bold, is a run-on that I would suggest rephrasing. Also, some of the parts that I put in red, aren't exactly redundancy, but they will still stick out like it, so just make sure you get rid of those, later on.
Hmm, why not go into a bit more, of why exactly is it so much easier? Would be a good idea, for a good introduction to a character!
Nope. This is a bit of a info dump in my mind. While this information is good to have and know, it shouldn't be told in the prologue. Prologue are way's to get the reader interested, not to bore us to death with facts, about the character and their life. I'd suggest telling this information in later chapters, through social interaction. Character socializing with different characters, is an awesome way of getting important info in. Through dialogue, thought process, and also actions! (Don't forget that actions, will help you your character to build, hon)
So you could have it to where she's complaining to herself a little in her bedroom, about how her life is so horrible, and nobody helps her out, ect... and her sister barges in on her (the older one) and they get into a big fight, due to that... XD
OK, might be a bit of a rush of an example, but try and start it off with a little something that is exciting or potentially exciting for the reader to know, and then go deeper into what it actually is, LATER in the book. If you tell the reader what is so horrible about her life, with just TELLING, then they won't feel sorry for the character, and nothing will be accomplished through this! Try and make your reader feel alongside the character.
Nahh, the voice of your character changes a bit right here. "Let me tell you" seems to do it. Get rid of that, and go for a more serious tone, as the stuff she is discussing is pretty serious.
Just a wee bit more of redundancy that I caught. Like I said before, it's not too big a deal at first, but usually goes away as you become more experienced. Just post those chapters, and read them out loud to yourself, and it will DISAPPEAR.
Overall: I thought this was an awesome beginning, and with a few tweaks with sentence structure, and some characterization with your characters, this should be a fab novel! Lemee know when you post, and I'll review this for you.
Spoiler
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thank you so much for your writing advice. And I do really get what you are saying.
Hey lil2020!
I think writing this story in first person is a good decision. First person tends to allow the reader to emphasize with the character more. The trouble with first person is, you have to avoid telling the reader every little thing. It's harder to lead them to information.
What I'm getting at is, right now you just tell us everything. When you go back over this, I suggest you try showing us these details. For instance, you could make an entire chapter out of the first paragraph if it is plot relevant by making a scene where the main character:
-Has to tell everyone about herself in every class. (You could also show why she doesn't like this. Is she shy of standing in front of everyone? Does she not like talking about her home life? Does she have secrets?)
-A scene where she returns home, sits in her room, listens to music, and does art all day.
Now, the second paragraph would probably be a good place to start. Since this is a prologue, or even if it were the first chapter, you can go back in time and give use the funeral, the viewing, show her dad frantically scrambling to get everything ready while still trying to mourn. Show how the main character steps in to comfort her little sister, when she cannot find comfort herself.
So in conclusion, instead of just telling us this stuff, try to show us. Let the reader talk us through her day, show us how things are going to change. Why does she suspect change is coming? Give me just enough information to keep me informed, but not enough that I know what to expect.
That's it lil202! Keep writing, show instead of tell, and have fun on YWS!
^SO much better than my version of how I tried to say that.
Thank you so much for your advise.
Fresh meat...
I mean... what?
Anyway *clears throat* sorry about that. Methrirr here, with a review.
Firstly, and most impactingly I think, is that this prologue is three paragraphs. It's very brief, and you kind of try and dump all of this stuff on the reader at once. So far I've gathered that the narrator is an artsy girl who's mother died in a car crash two years ago (out of no where) who has an older one and a younger one.
Firstly, the entire second paragraph is... weird. You throw the mothers death in just to put it in there, and then you are very telly, and not at all showy.
What that means is, you don't describe things. Take for example:
"Her dress was the color of the sunflower petals in summer."
as opposed to:
"Her dress was yellow."
That's a crappy example, but what I'm trying to get at here is that you tell me a whole lot of your story without making me care. You introduce me to this character who I barely know, and tell me her mom died two years ago. I don't even know this girl. Why do I care about her problems? I don't know if I like the character, or can relate to her at all. There's no rapport.
You've got growing to do. And in joining this site, and continuing to write, you'll grow. This is just the first step. You're on the right track. Don't stop writing!
Methrirr.
Thank you so much for the advise.