Hi guys. First time I’m posting a romance and I am a little um … scared. But this isn’t real romance just took a song and write about what I thought the song was about. But I couldn’t see it going in any other category so read. And tear this thing to shreds!! Also I’d recommend listening to the song while you read just to get the feel of the story and so on.
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Song: Broken strings, By James MorrisoN
Plot: this is about a male character who has been hurt. So he gives another go at his relationship but it doesn’t work out.
Let me hold you, For the last time It’s the last chance to feel again But you broke me, Now I can’t feel anything
when I love you and so untrue ,I can’t even convince myself
when I’m speaking it’s the voice of someone else
One last hug. You owe me that much. One more chance to hold you close. To satisfy my broken heart, the one you broke. Remember? My body feels numb, as I lie on my bed playing my guitar. Trying to sing out this feeling inside me; but no matter how many songs I play, or strings I touch, this horrible feeling will never leave my body. I can’t sense it but I know that tears are falling from my eyes on to my cheek. You broke me and left me to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart. I said I love you first. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. Your eyes filled up with tears and you hugged me so tight. But then you betrayed me and everyone else and now those words. The words that made you cry mean nothing to me except the 8 letters they truly are.
Oh, it tears me up, I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay
You can't play our broken strings, You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel, I can't tell you something that ain't real
I tried. You know, to forgive you. But every time I looked at you my eyes turned red with anger. My insides were sobbing with pain. But I smiled I put on the happy face and you believed it. For a while. But then you started to see the face that looked at you when you weren't looking. You knew something was wrong. But life was so imperfectly-perfect. You didn’t want to ruin the peace. But the truth was there was no peace, just silent pain. The smiles, the dates, even our holiday to Spain. All of it was us living a life of lies. Nothing but them. I tried to love you so much but my heart was already broken. I don’t know how I’ll ever love again.
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
But I told you, didn’t I? Those feelings couldn’t stay trapped in my body one more day. They had to come sooner or later. And they came out. You cried when I told you. But I couldn’t live the lie anymore. I couldn’t wake up every morning. insisting that I still loved you. I did love you. But just not the same way as before, before you went. You were still there but you were gone. Banished by my heart never to return into the spot I had once saved all for you.
Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us
Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it’s too late ( too late )
We tried. We tried so very, very hard but it was too late. For both of us. You called me over and over again. "Don’t let this be how it ends" you said. But this had been how it was going to end from the day we met till now. You were just too perfect. Smart, beautiful and on your way to med school. There was nothing left to save. The house was already burned down, the train was already gone. We’re over, but remember I’ll love you always. Just a little less every day.
Let me hold you, for the last time, it’s the last chance to feel again
I loved you and lost you. Time to move on now.
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Hope you like it. 
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hey!
i love this song, and i love how you have interpreted it.
what you've wrote actually matches the song really well, maybe you caould write a few chapters about what happened before he got his heart broken or what he did about it!
give it a go. I'd like to read it!
-Amy x
Hi lil! I'm Kat, nice to meet you! This caught my eye, because I love that song!
I think you should change your title, because some people might assume your plagiarism.
Oh, don't be scared, dear! We don't bite (much)!
Anyway, onto your review!
Grammar and Punctuation
For a more dramatic effect, I would suggest for you to change the comma to a period, and then capitalize 'you'. 'Owe' should be own.
Comma after 'numb'.
Trade the first period for a semi-colon. Comma after 'but' and after 'touch'.
Tears falling from your check doesn't sound right. Maybe falling from your eyes and on to your cheeks?
'Like' sounds impersonal. Try like 'as if it was yesterday'. It sounds more poetic, more emotional.
There's a period missing at the end of the sentence!
Don't put 8, dear. Numbers until twenty one should be wrote. Put eight. What letter? What word? I assume it's 'I love you', but you should make that more clearer.
Comma after 'know'.
Comma after 'you'. 'Red with anger' sounds awkward. Try to reword it.
Period after 'smile'. There's a word missing after 'believed'. I think it's in. 'believed in it'. Replace the period with a comma.
Now I'm confused. Shouldn't you be the one to put on a smile? Then why did she saw the face behind herself? Comma after looked.
Comma after 'peace'. Comma after 'dates'. Spain! My neighbour country
The 'but' should be a that.
This is badly worded. Try: ... and lie to myself, insisting that I loved you.
'Banished' should be vanished. 'Into' should be to. 'Cherished would be better replaced by saved.
The 'so' isn't needed, and complicates the sentence in a way that would make you add more words.
This doesn't makes sense. Reword it. Also, put quotation marks on her line.
Comma after 'over'.
Description,emotion (imagery) and word choice
Buh-who! Who cares? <---- That wasn't meant to turn out like that, but this line is just so emotionless. Make it original, use imagery!
You had some description of the actions, but not of your surroindigs. Your word choice wasn't bad, very common and simple. Also, you start many lines with 'but'. Way too many! Connect them, and change that a bit. It gets boring and it's unprofessional to start so many senteces with but. Try synoms or reword them or add words.
We had emotion. Sometimes I could feel it, but other I couldn't. Even out on that.
Overall: Not bad, but needs a bit polishing up. Revise, edit here and there and you'll be fine!
Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*