Hi this is my second chapter and will talk about Erin's day to day life. Hope you like and feel free to be harsh in your reviews.
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Erin closed her locker and made her way to the lunch hall. She sat besides her best friend, Annie, who immediately began talking about their end-of-the-year performance. But, Erin wasn't listening. Instead, she was thinking about what her aunt and uncle had told her the night before.
"Erin," they had begun, "we have something to tell you." Erin had searched their faces for any forewarnings; both of their faces were serious. "Honey, you know, we always told you, your parents died in a car crash.
"Yeah," she said, swallowing nervously. She had been slightly frightened by the way her aunt and uncle had said that last sentence-- almost as if it weren't true.
"Well, honey, that's not true," her aunt said softly.
"What?!" Erin gasped.
"Calm down, we want to tell you the truth." Her aunt said desperately.
A faint flicker of hope had come to Erin's mind. Imagine if her parents were still alive? The hope vanished as her aunt said, "When you were four years old, your parents and your little brother were killed. You survived because you hid in the--"
"Laundry basket." Erin cut in, dazed. For weeks she had been having weird dreams. She heard crying and screams-- she thought she had gone crazy, but here was the truth. She could even remember their faces. She had ran away as soon as she saw him. Her brother had been playing on the floor. She had tried to pull him away with her, but he was just too heavy for her to carry.
"What, honey, are you remembering? Her aunt had asked, concerned.
"It's nothing," Erin had said, "please... just, leave me alone." She had run up the stairs to her room where she could cry.
"...and the, we went to the prom... Hello!?" Annie had been talking all this time. "Dreamer, we have biology next." Annie said to her, rising from her seat.
After school, Erin saw that it was not her Uncle who picked her up that day; it was their chauffeur, Ralph. People stared and pointed as Ralph came out of the car in his tuxedo and beckoned her into it. Her Aunt and Uncle were very rich; she lived in their beach house, although they had four mansions around America.
Ralph handed Erin a note. She opened it and read the script;
'Sorry love,' it read, 'We've got to go on business, see you Friday. Rosie will look after you. Love, Aunt Nadia, and Uncle Wayne XXX'
Erin folded the note into her pocket and got into the car.
She knew their trip wasn't really about business, and that her aunt and uncle has anticipated her wanting to be alone. She liked staying with Rosie, a short, plump Frenchwoman, with rosy cheeks. She had looked after Erin ever since Erin came to live with her Aunt and Uncle.
Erin decided she would go down to the beach later on, it was worth the fun.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there lil mizz kitty! I'm June, your critic for the moment, and I'm going to run through this, okay?
• Be careful not to rush! Take your time, go through the details slowly. Make sure we know that Erin's headed for the lunch hall, dear!
• Keep stuff that happened in the past, in past tense, dear!
I'm going to rewrite this passage for you:
Erin closed her locker and made her way to the lunch hall. She sat besides her best friend, Annie, who immediately began talking about their end-of-the-year performance. But, Erin wasn't listening. Instead, she was thinking about what her aunt and uncle had told her the night before.
"Erin," they had begun, "we have something to tell you." Erin had searched their faces for any forewarnings; both of their faces were serious. "Honey, you know, we always told you, your parents died in a car crash.
• Try your best to use proper language, dear. Shoot for the most formal tone you can achieve!
• Also! Erin's reaction is rather calm, don't you think so? Let's dramatize it!
"Yeah," she said, swallowing nervously. She had been slightly frightened by the way her aunt and uncle had said that last sentence-- almost as if it weren't true.
"Well, honey, that's not true," her aunt said softly.
"What?!" Erin gasped.
"Calm down, we want to tell you the truth." Her aunt said desperately.
• Remember to be clear in identifying the speaker, dear
A faint flicker of hope had come to Erin's mind. Imagine if her parents were still alive? The hope vanished as her aunt said, "When you were four years old, your parents and your little brother were killed. You survived because you hid in the--"
"Laundry basket." Erin cut in, dazed. For weeks she had been having weird dreams. She heard crying and screams-- she thought she had gone crazy, but here was the truth. She could even remember their faces. She had ran away as soon as she saw him. Her brother had been playing on the floor. She had tried to pull him away with her, but he was just too heavy for her to carry.
"What, honey, are you remembering? Her aunt had asked, concerned.
"It's nothing," Erin had said, "please... just, leave me alone." She had run up the stairs to her room where she could cry.
"...and the, we went to the prom... Hello!?" Annie had been talking all this time. "Dreamer, we have biology next." Annie said to her, rising from her seat.
After school, Erin saw that it was not her Uncle who picked her up that day; it was their chauffeur, Ralph. People stared and pointed as Ralph came out of the car in his tuxedo and beckoned her into it. Her Aunt and Uncle were very rich; she lived in their beach house, although they had four mansions around America.
Ralph handed Erin a note. She opened it and read the script;
'Sorry love,' it read, 'We've got to go on business, see you Friday. Rosie will look after you. Love, Aunt Nadia, and Uncle Wayne XXX'
Erin folded the note into her pocket and got into the car.
She knew their trip wasn't really about business, and that her aunt and uncle has anticipated her wanting to be alone. She liked staying with Rosie, a short, plump Frenchwoman, with rosy cheeks. She had looked after Erin ever since Erin came to live with her Aunt and Uncle.
Erin decided she would go down to the beach later on, it was worth the fun.
-*-*-*-
Okie, dokie!
Well! This is your story, dear. I think you should surprise us, and give us twists on the action. Don't spoil the story ahead of time, dear.
Remember to pay attention to:
• Dialogue - You should include a comma after the words that are spoken, INSIDE of the quotation mark. It's this:
"Yes, Mom," Marie said, "I'll be right down."
See?
• Sentence fluency - Avoid info dumping! Don't bombard us with large amounts of information at once, dear. Make sure your sentences read smoothly, and make sure that your language isn't too slang in your writing.
You're off to a good start! You're headed in a direction for some real action!
Keep it up!
June
First of all, if you do add a romantic interest, don't make him die. Don't make Annie die either! At the moment, Erin has enough trauma-she's just found out her parents were killed. I really think this story has more potential, and would work much better as a coming-of-age story of a young girl working through grief than a series-of-murders-type thing.
When Erin "runs up to her room and cries" it isn't really described in much detail, and the reader doesn't get a chance to sympathise with Erin. On the whole, I advise adding in more detail, and more feelings.
Good luck with the rest of this!