Marcs fell into her flat exhausted and emotionally drained. Her first case as Detective Inspector was a suicide, although Marcs had a gut wrenching fear it wasn’t. Marcs had always been good with intuition. She sighed as she placed her i-pod on its usual pedestal by the door. She then dragged herself to the kitchen, flung open the fridge door, and pulled out a bottle of coke. As she opened the cupboard to retrieve a glass, which had receded into the back of the cupboard, as the flat’s buzzer sounded. Marcs let out another massive sigh. She made herself walk to the door, and she picked up the flat phone, she was met with static. She turned to leave the door, but a knock on it made her turn around. She opened the door, and Mrs. Little stood just beyond the threshold with an enthusiastic ginger ten year old, and a bored fourteen year old.
Marcs forced herself to smile. The old lady opposite was nice, and Marcs liked her, but she really couldn’t be bothered with her now. Mrs. Little sensed that Marcs needed some rest; so she just handed over some strawberry jam, to which the fourteen year old rolled his eyes and swapped his weight from one foot to another. The redhead beamed, his eyes getting wider as his smile broadened.
The little conversation that Marcs and Mrs. Little had going was cosy, and enthusiastic. Then Mrs. Little and what seemed to be her grandchildren, walked away, the small ginger looked longingly over his shoulder, and received a thwack around the back of his head. The usual sibling brawl broke out between the brothers; eventually Mrs. Little intercepted. Marcs was astonished. The frail old lady, grabbed each boy by the collar and manhandled them to face her, then had advised them not to be so stupid, or she’ll stop them from watching TV.
The look on both of the boys faces hurled Marcs into fits of hysterics. The older boy turned in shock, as though someone has slapped hard across the face, and the younger in pure delight. Marcs apologized, and shrank back into her flat. As she passed the counter, she snatched the bottle of coke, and placed herself on the sofa. She then began to trawl through the suspected suicide case once again.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I preferred the first chapter, to be honest. Are you gonna add anything to this? Cos it's remarkably small. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere either, so try and perk things up with a bit of action, even if it's only as minor as cutting her finger or something. Yeah...well sorry this isn't much of a good review, I'm not all that good at reviewing. Good luck with the rest of your writing, bye!
Hey, its Ir here to review your story. One thing you should check out is the welcome page since your new. There you can post about your self and make some friends. Also, there is a 4:1 ratio system here. Which means you must do 4 reviews for every story you post. That way, everybody is getting reviewed. Also, each review must be 50 words or more to count.
Ok, this is a little cliche. Also, it needs more description. Also, try to make the characters more relate-able. Its hard when its so short. Try to picture what the characters would be in real life and how they would act.