I wish I could show the real me, the me that was completely in love with him. The me that longed to be perfect for him. The jock, hot shot ego maniac that was who I loved. Of course I was just the weird little freak that everyone knew as annoying.
Inside my heart ached every time I saw him, I saw him and only him whenever I closed my brown eyes. I saw his tall figure and dark eyes, the smile that I referred as ego-tastic.
I couldn't help but feel weak, while normally I was so strong able to withstand death and breakups so easily, but I felt small and powerless as I faced the fate that I would never get closer than school.
My mind always hazed when I thought of him so my mind was almost always like that.
His over flirtatious personality, I longed for it to be me by his side. I longed to be close to him, talking on rainy nights and laughing at jokes only we knew I hoped I could be as close as friends, but the odds were against me.
So for now I’ll wipe my tear stained eyes and walk away full of regret and save my hope for another guy. But while I wait I can day dream about the possibilities farthest from my reach, and the ones I hate that are closest to my finger tips.
I can feel when something is right and when something is going to happen, but neither exists most where I want it to. So while you read my sappy love story remember that even at the youngest possible age, love can be found, and even though I don’t agree this is true love, I know that I love him.
-Yours-
I loved writing this!!!! It was so fun, I hope I feel like this for a guy one day, so for everyone in love but can’t find the courage to take a chance, I give you this advice… just do it, leap from your isolated island and reach for the stars, spread your wings and fly, or you can stay alone on your island.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm....well this is an interesting one. It seems to be a fairly cliche moment there, as far as the setup is concerned. Its not the newest concept to start with, but I love the style of this, there's a little bit of a unique touch here and I am all for it. It certainly accomplished the task of getting our attention rather well here.
Well this seems to be mostly the standard cute fare here. We're getting some solid hints as to the personality of both of them as well. I think especially with the girl you're doing a pretty decent job of painting a solid picture on what sort of person she happens to be. I think that's a great detail there.
Okay...that's an interesting ending there. Definitely sort of sets you up for pretty much exactly what's gong to go down in the story, and it's intriguing although it does also seem to be sort of almost directing the reader to feel one way which isn't always the greatest of ideas there, so be a little bit more careful as far as that's concerned, but otherwise this is a pretty solid piece I'd say.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
i had fun when i read this
i really can relate!..
and i feel that your in love
you really expressed your feelings by writing these and
it shows how you really feel with this person..
i really liked it!! so much..
Hey =]
Welcome to YWS! I'm Dudette
Nit-piks first;
The jock, hot shot ego maniac that was who I loved. - I think this sentence is missing some punctuation. Maybe re-write it as, 'The hot-shot, egotistic jock; that was who I loved.' I think that 'egotistic' sounds better than 'ego maniac.'
Inside my heart ached every time I saw him, I saw him and only him whenever I closed my brown eyes. - This reads a little awkwardly. 'Inside, my heart ached whenever I saw him. Everytime I closed my brown eyes, I'd see him again.' - Something like that anyway
I saw his tall figure and dark eyes, the smile that I referred as ego-tastic. - Instead of saying how you referred to his smile, you could say how it made you feel. Did it give you butterflies? Turn your legs to jelly, etc
I couldn't help but feel weak, while normally I was so strong able to withstand death and breakups so easily, but I felt small and powerless as I faced the fate that I would never get closer than school. - This is a very long sentence. I'd maybe break it up a bit to make it easier to read. 'I couldn't help but feel weak around him. Normally I was so strong, able to withstand death and breakups easily, but I felt small and powerless as I faced that fact that I would never get closer to him than at school.' - I think 'fact' sounds better than 'fate.'
My mind always hazed when I thought of him so my mind was almost always like that. - You use 'mind' twice her, maybe try replacing one of them.
His over flirtatious personality, - I'd change 'over' to 'overly'
I longed to be close to him, talking on rainy nights and laughing at jokes only we knew I hoped I could be as close as friends, but the odds were against me. - I'd put a full stop after 'knew'
So for now I’ll wipe my tear stained eyes and walk away full of regret and save my hope for another guy. - As you've already used 'and' in this sentence, I'd maybe take out the second 'and' replacing it with a comma, and change 'save' to 'saving'
But while I wait I can day dream about - Maybe add a comma after 'wait'
So while you read my sappy love story remember - Comma after 'story'
Overall;
I really enjoyed reading this! Though the concept of it was quite sad, with the narrator not getting her man, it still found it a great read and I came away feeling happy. Maybe that's just me - or it could be your heartwarming message at the end of the piece (authors note, kinda)
Great job with this!
xDudettex
Hey there, welcome to YWS. I've moved this into Other Fiction for you as I don't really think it fits in poetry.
Cheers,
~bubbles