Young Writers Society

Hey there Liadon

Dreamwalker here with your first dreamwalker styled review! Let me just break it down for you first. I always start with my critique which is basically a nit-pick section then I go into Setting/Description, Character Developement, Plot, Grammar and Punctuation, and Overall.

So let's get started!

Critique

I turned the hot water on and stepped into the shower. The water rolled over the bullet wounds I received in the war. I closed my eyes and all I could hear were men screaming. I banged my head against the wall to get the screams out. A train rolled by, shaking my apartment. The lights flickered and, forgetting I was in my shower, shouted,

Okay, so right off the bat I'm feeling a 'this happened, this happened, this happened' feel to it. You need to add some descriptive words in there, some emotions and some flowing like the character is alive. You need to make the reader believe what your telling them and show them what you want, dont just tell them.

Ex. I turned the hot water on and stepped into the shower with a sense of forboding occuring within me. The water rolled over the many countless bullet wounds I had recieved during my tours in the war of which I was no longer proud of seeing. As I closed my eyes I could hear all the men screaming out in pain and lose and in that I banged my head as hard as I could muster against the wall, trying desperately to releave myself of the burdensome cries. When the train rolled by, though, shaking my apartment, I felt the lights flicker and a something exploded within me sending me shouting in a craze that was no longer myself. No longer someone sane.

I know that was a little wordy and over the top but it gives you a sort of idea where I'm trying to come from .

I really enjoyed that she makes me feel peaceful.

This jumps from past to present tense. Try wording it like this.

ex. I really had enjoyed the fact that she made me feel so peaceful.

BUUUUUT MARK!!!!

Three things are very wrong with this bit. First, no caps please. Use italics or something as such but all-caps are the enemy to YWSer's. Also, But is spelled as that. If you want to stress it use italics or such but dont add unnecessary letters to make it longer. Also one exclamation point does the trick and gets the point across. You dont need anymore thent that. Try this:

ex. But Mark!

“Fine, I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like the story I have to tell you.

'I'll tell you' feels very redundant in this sentence. Cut out the 'I have to tell you' at the end of the sentence. It isn't necessary.'

Her face scrunched up to seriousness. She nodded.

I dont care much for the character developement of this female. She seems not only like a complete ditz but she also sounds like a teenage girl playing cute and that she has no real concept of reality or any such thing as that. She stomps her foot because he wont tell her about horrifying things such as the corruption of war? She should be glad he's back, let alone this cutsy act. I'm not much of a fan of this female quite yet.

She knows me better then even I know myself….I knew I wasn’t happy, but I couldn’t accept it, but she knew, and she wanted to help.

This not only jumps from past to present but it's also very run-on and sounds not very thought out. Here's a way to fix it.

ex. She knew me better then even I knew myself, and I knew, deep down, that I wasnt happy. Even still, I couldn't accept that fact even though she was here, trying to help me become myself again.

“I have called into work, and requested a couple days off. I’m sure it’ll take that long for you to tell your story.”

Ugh. Okay so this is quite the... assumption made by Gwen. I would have found it much more appeasing if she was to call in later on when she realized the story was terribly long and not just gone and called in sick for a few days just so she could listen to a story. It's an assumption that most people would not make and in that the reader will not connect with the character well. Just a quick tip though.

So, are you sure that your ready to hear the horror that I have lived through?”

I would have found it more understanding if he just said 'Are you ready to hear this?" And she replying with a curt nod. It sounds like he's about to tell a spooky story and not a horrifying tale of woe and pain. War is a hard thing and for someone to be so open about it would astound me completely. Try making him just a little bit more secretive and upset with himself instead of this mock humour. Give Gwen more then just this cutsy, five year old attitiude to cause it sounds way to teenager to be about someone who is dating a man who came back from a war.

Grammar and Punctuation

Okay so you had some issues in this area that I saw like quoting and dialogue for instance. You jumped down to a new sentence when it wasn't necessary and kept some sentences together when they should have been spread apart. Dialogue can be a little confusing but when you get the punctuation right it becomes terribly easy and more or less just apart of your everyday writing.

"Let's go to the park," he said.
"Let's go to the park." He smiled.
"Do you want to go to the park?" he asked.
"Do you want to go to the park?" His question sounded more like a statement.
He said, "Let's go to the park."
He raised his fingers to his lips. "Let's go to the park.
He asked, "Do you want to go to the park?"
He rolled his eyes. "Do you want to go to the park?"

Thats the basic capitalization and punctuation of these certain areas.

Also when you are going into dialogue, like in your second paragraph, you must start as that. You jumped from the end of the paragraph into a quoted dialogue which is not correct. It should have been like this.

ex. He was shaking with fear before finally the tremors became to much for him.

"Run!" he screamed.

And so forth. That way it makes more sense. If you have anymore questions on that area I could help you out with whatever you need but for the most part your grammar was nice and simplistic but interesting and understandable. Although this piece held no intimidation factor when it came to larger words, it kept my interest in the smaller ones.

Plot

Although you have some issues with the quickness of your plotline it is definitly an interesting one and a catchy one indeed. I am quite ecstatic about this one and I hope you can slow it down and get more wordy in the emotions of your character to really push it out and make it come alive. Like I said before, you can tell your plotline but it wont make it exciting to the reader. Show it .

Setting/Description

Okay so there was a little description on the characters but far from enough I would think. You must get into the descriptions of everything whether that be the emotions he's feeling or the look of the room around him. Give us a clear insight into this characters mind and heart and really give us a place to reside so we can understand this character to it's full capacity and the story you're trying to put across. If anything I want you to work on your descriptions. Everything else will be a cake walk after that .

Character Developement

As I have said before, in my prior conversations, I am a character developement nazi. This has it's moments so far as much as I could tell and I did get the point with your main protagonist character but I would have loved to feel it instead of just seeing it. You need to show us some of the goods and bads in your characters. Some of the lights and darks when it comes to their emotions and nail it in about them because they seem so... cliche when its empty words. Empty words make for an empty story so you need to work it out and fix it up.

Overall

A very interesting start to a very interesting plot line. I am truly excited to see how this one turns out, and although there are a few things you need to work on I'm sure you'll get it right and find just where you need to stand . The idea is great and you nail it across about your characters and such but I would like to see more on the indepthness of your characterization and even the world around them. Show us!

Other then that, you have a lot of potential and if you post more please do PM me with the info so I may review again .

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker