Hello there!
This is an interesting poem, and I will do my best to give you some advice. Happy RevMo!
When this chandelier shatters my world, falling apart --
I'm just curious- why does the chandelier shatter your world? Is it the chandelier falling, or shattering, or is its presence enough to shatter the world? It doesn't make lots of sense to me, but I do like the imagery.
Perhaps I need not to be loved
Although this is grammatically correct, it's a rather odd was of phrasing. I would suggest saying something like, "perhaps I do no need to be loved" or something similar to that, which flows better and is a little clearer.
promise myself to bid insomnia farewell;
To rest, no longer bitterly, on a different mattress --
I really like the insomnia imagery. It's nice, although e "no longer bitterly" breaks up the line a bit. I would play around with that line a bit, but I like the overall effect.
So anxiously in this banquet
...what is happening anxiously in the banquet? Waiting for the second acquaintance? This isn't very clear and it's hard to tell.
Sixty years thereafter, may I still find traces of you
I think hereafter makes more sense here? Thereafter doesn't quite seem to fit, but I don't know exactly how these words can be interchanged.
Or say our final adieus before everything ends.
Or? When you say or, there usually needs to be two phrases. This is evidently the second of two, but where is the first? There doesn't seem to be one, and I don't know if that's just because you meant one of the earlier sentences to be the pair or if it's an oversight- if it's the former, then it's very hard to tell. If it's the latter, maybe you should put one in!
I had at least breathed in this total emptiness.
I really love this line, but the had seems unnecessarily italicized. I don't think I would emphasize anything, but it's your choice.
Overall, this is a really cool poem. I like the one stanza you repeat- is it a chorus to a song? I think it would be really cool if it was set to music.
Anyway, you did a nice job with this!
-Falco
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