Perhaps you won't find me
When this chandelier shatters my world, falling apart --
There's no need for us to be separated
Even in your heart's absence.
-----
Perhaps I need not to be loved
When I've become such a person so senselessly infatuated --
Never will I be in grief again for the rest of my life
If it's all a dream.
-----
** Live on, no matter what hardship ahead --
Be it heartbreak to bear --
I pray, once again.
-----
I promise myself to bid insomnia farewell;
To rest, no longer bitterly, on a different mattress --
Who knows if we'll run into each other
This day next year?
-----
Or to wait for our second acquaintance,
Indulging in vain wishes --
So anxiously in this banquet
Of our newly wedded friend?
-----
This day next year;
who can endure, so willingly, the changes time makes?
Sixty years thereafter, may I still find traces of you
From the kids you bear;
Or say our final adieus before everything ends.
(Repeat **)-----
I've spent all my luck just for your one-time visit in my life;
not till this day have I come to realise:
I had at least breathed in this total emptiness.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there!
This is an interesting poem, and I will do my best to give you some advice. Happy RevMo!
I'm just curious- why does the chandelier shatter your world? Is it the chandelier falling, or shattering, or is its presence enough to shatter the world? It doesn't make lots of sense to me, but I do like the imagery.
Although this is grammatically correct, it's a rather odd was of phrasing. I would suggest saying something like, "perhaps I do no need to be loved" or something similar to that, which flows better and is a little clearer.
I really like the insomnia imagery.
...what is happening anxiously in the banquet? Waiting for the second acquaintance? This isn't very clear and it's hard to tell.
I think hereafter makes more sense here? Thereafter doesn't quite seem to fit, but I don't know exactly how these words can be interchanged.
Or? When you say or, there usually needs to be two phrases. This is evidently the second of two, but where is the first? There doesn't seem to be one, and I don't know if that's just because you meant one of the earlier sentences to be the pair or if it's an oversight- if it's the former, then it's very hard to tell. If it's the latter, maybe you should put one in!
I really love this line, but the had seems unnecessarily italicized. I don't think I would emphasize anything, but it's your choice.
Overall, this is a really cool poem. I like the one stanza you repeat- is it a chorus to a song? I think it would be really cool if it was set to music.
Anyway, you did a nice job with this!
-Falco
Hello! Ripple here on this awesome Review Day!
There are a few lines that don't quite make sense in English, but I'll assume that is due to the original Cantonese, and not translational error.
First of all, I'm not sure about YWS's plagiarism policy. I think translations are OK, buy I'm not certain. Regardless, I don't know if this is the right place to post it. YWS focuses more on original, literary works and poetry. Translations, while excellent things to write, don't always match the purpose of the site.
However, this translation reads extremely cleanly. A lot of things can be lost in translation, and I think you did an excellent job of it
Overall, it reads very well. I love the imagery, but I don't know whether to credit you, or the original author. I suppose that's the main issue with posting on YWS. Who gets the credit?
Still, it was an enjoyable read. Keep writing!
PS:
Other translations I found on the Internet were simply unbearable. Here's an example :pp
"A year will have gone by without seeing you when the same day arrives, one year later.
Who changes willingly?
Having left you for sixty years, I hope I can recognize your children.
And before I leave, I hope I can hear you bid me goodbye.
The moment that I met you seemed to have used up all my luck.
It isn’t till this day, do I finally realize I’ve once breathed air."
Reference: https://hk.answers.yahoo.com/question/i ... 010KK00495
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The last verse 曾呼吸過空氣 literally means "I once breathed in air" in the song, but I don't think this would be easy for non-Cantonese speakers to understand. It shouldn't be like what you'd expect to see in textbooks, explaining the mechanism of gaseous exchange in our lungs right?? So I opted for an oxymoronic approach, 'to breathe in emptiness (or vacuum, if you prefer to be scientific)'... this can better pinpoint the fact that the protagonist had the illusion of 'breathing' when everything's desperate