Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was an interesting note to get a story started on here...certainly opens up a lot of questions about what may have happened to Kendal here, and it looks like a pretty strong friendship on display from the little bit of interaction we got. Also Kevin seems to be very spaced out there...

Anyway let's get right to it,

Walking to Kevins house thinking about what happened last night at Ethan's. It just all happened so fast. I didn't even sense it. Ethan is my boyfriend of all of four months.

When I arrived at Kevin's house his mom wasn't home so I just let myself in. Kevin and I have been best friends since we were in Kindergarten, his parents recently got divorced. He spent a lot of time at my house during that time. He's such a sweet heart and to see him upset all the time kill me.

As I walked up the stairs of Kevin's house I could hear the TV and the video games he was playing.

" Bam Bam Boom "

" Yes!!" he screamed as I got closer. I entered his room and sat on his bed, he didn't even acknowledge that I was there.

I sat on my phone for five minutes scrolling through twitter when I came across a tweet of Ethan's that said " Had a great time with my girl last night "

" That asshole!" I screamed. Kevin finally realized I was in his room. He came up to me, and kissed me on my head.

" Sorry cutie, didn't hear you come in."

Kevin and I have that kind of friendship where we "flirt" but won't date. He asked me what was wrong, but I didn't know if I should tell him..

" Nothing, just Ethan's pissing me off" I said uncertain.

" I know you better than that Kendal, I know you went to see him last night, what happened?"

"Nothing Kev! I shouldn't have come here!"

I stormed out of his room with my brown hair blowing into my face as I got outside into the nice summer breeze.

" Ken come back please! I'm sorry." I could hear Kevin screaming as he ran through his yard. I jetted down the street back home.

Hi there,

This is a good start it has what I like in a story which is a little suspense at the very beginning. It doesn't dive right into the story and makes you want to read on to find out what's going on.

Just a couple of things, firstly there is a spelling error: "...to see him upset all the time kill me." Of course, it should be "killed" but I'm sure that was done entirely in error.

Secondly, although the story is developing from the beginning, there isn't a lot of structure. I feel like there is too much dialogue and not enough description or substance. There's not really any character description or a visual of the surroundings. Take the time between narratives to build up some substance, describe away even if it sounds too much. The story is quite fast-paced and so it needs a little something to bulk it out so the reader has a chance to process everything that is going on.

Hope this helps a little and look forward to reading more!

Good luck with your writing going forwards.

Becki

More structure! It helps with getting your audience to clearly understand your story, characters and theme. Ask yourself questions. What life lesson do these characters learn from their hardships? Who is the narrator? What is her relationship with her best friend and boyfriend like? What do her boyfriend and best friend have to say about the narrator? What does the narrator have to say about herself? How does the narrator solve the conflict? Who am I writing this story for? Why am I writing it? Answering these questions gives your story purpose and can help you clearly and effectively communicate what your theme is.
Each story has three main structures. The beginning: where you introduce your characters, story, and theme. The middle: where you support, and exemplify your theme through a serious of an (or many) event(s) and/or minor conflict(s). The end: where you summarize what your characters have learned from the conflict(s) and the event(s) in the story, and where you also restate your theme. This structure is a must for any writing that you do!

Oh my goodness! All I want to do is read more and i cannot wait for you to continue working on this and share some more! I love dramatic relationship stories like this and you did a great job on this piece really.

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

I am glad you are able to share this beginning of your story! I enjoyed the thought of this story also as much as I like the characters.

However, the beginning doesn't seem to drag me in as most stories would- and as this story continues on- it seems to kinda bored me. Since in the beginning, what happened at Ethan's house? The reader wouldn't know what happened unless you say it before the story (I would say in italics).

Also this seems unrealistic for such a story; it seems rushed and there is no certain plot to it that makes it seem interesting to read. Try reading a romance novel to figure out the proper way to write romance (because reading a book expands your ideas).

Also the formatting of this seems a bit... right sided. I also think this story has more to it; as a writer and a reader, I feel like you should add more to this- with descriptions and more emotion from the characters. It just seems to fall flat of that and if you on YWS long enough, you can find out how much your characters expand c:

Now onto the nitpicks:

When I arrived at Kevin's house his mom wasn't home so I just let myself in. Kevin and I have been best friends since we were in Kindergarten, his parents recently got divorced. He spent a lot of time at my house during that time. He's such a sweetheart and to see him upset all the time kill me. He plays football and baseball, I go to all of his games no matter what. He is the star quarterback at our high school, he doesn't like to admit it but i think he's the best one out there.

" Nothing, just Ethan's pissing me off" I said uncertain.

Hello, lexydeluca! Welcome to the Young Writers Society.

You've got a nice story coming along here. In this chapter, I got to know Kevin reasonably well. I get the impression that he's that typical 'cool guy' that you often see in teen movies. You did a good job in having your character describe him naturally without going over the top.

As the chapter progressed and got into the dialogue, I felt that things moved a little fast. You showed how preoccupied Kevin was with his gadgets, which was great, but as soon as he saw Kendal things went a bit plain. She was in one minute and out the other, and Kevin didn't seem to react to her leaving. Surely he would have followed her and tried to find out what was wrong, right?

A little more explanation at the end and you'll be well on your way. Other than that, there's a few little nitpicks to fix. "Nothing Kev! I shouldn't of come here!" Here you said of when have is the proper word for this sentence. There are a couple of similar errors throughout, so just have a quick read through. That aside, I enjoyed reading your chapter. I hope you'll share more of this story soon.