I want to believe that you are sincere
But I am afraid that in the end I will just suffer
I was but an optimistic individual
Seeking for love unconditional
You came into my way
And light up my day
But now we are far from each other
So this makes me bother
I feel the love i've been searchin' for
The passion i used to dream before
It's a long distance love affair
And I'm scared to be in despair
How will I tell you
The words i want you to know?
How would I know the real you?
To feel the love you want me to feel too?
I never complain that I find it hard
But what we have now, really looks bad
I want you to be with me everytime
But I don't know how to balance my time
You are my first,
And I don't want to get hurt
My love for you,brings life to my dying heart
But oh God, it is also my faithful love
which tore me apart.
tO my sweetheart ^^
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the metre of the piece. It had a definite beat; which was lovely. However it was somewhat spoiled by the lack of punctuation - other than question marks...Without any other punctuation it is very hard, for a reader to know how to read the poem.
Lovely imagery too
Love
Kris
x
Hello Lex. This is a sweet poem, and I like it. I've done a line-by-line critique below.
*********
I want to believe that you are sincere
But I am afraid that in the end I will just suffer
I was but an optimistic individual
Seeking for love unconditional (Just "seeking love unconditional" would do.)
You came into my way (Just saying "You came my way" sounds more natural to me)
And light (lit) up my day
But now we are far from each other
So this makes me bother (Jt doesn't seem like this quite fits. Makes you bother what?)
I feel the love i've been searchin' (why not just searching?) for
The passion i used to dream before
It's a long distance love affair
And I'm scared to be in despair (This seems like another forced rhyme.)
How will I tell you
The words i want you to know? (It's a good try, but these lines really don't rhyme. They threw me off a little bit.)
How would I know the real you?
To feel the love you want me to feel too?
I never complain that I find it hard
But what we have now, really looks bad (another non-rhyme.)
I want you to be with me everytime
But I don't know how to balance my time
You are my first,
And I don't want to get hurt
My love for you,brings life to my dying heart (This just sounds melodramatic. Cut the "dying" and it would be fine.)
But oh God, it is also my faithful love
which tore me apart. (This line is really long, and disrupts the poem's flow.)
*********
Overall, I think you have a good poem here. I can tell that the feeling behind it is real. Good job.
To make it better, watch your rhymes. To make a rhyming poem sound smooth, things really need to rhyme. Try to avoid forced rhymes, too.
Also, try reading the poem aloud, and revise as you go. Reading it aloud will help you smooth out the bumps in the rhythm.
I hope my review helped you. Keep writing!