Published May 3, 2008
Why do we love the person
who can't love us back?
as if you're meant for each other
and on him your life is stuck
Who cares about destiny
if he makes you happy
all you know is your love
but the feelings in his heart,
is it love or just a lie behind?
I don't know what is true
should I be glad or feel blue
Why don't you say what you feel inside
or do you really want me to fall
so I will feel bad?
These are my confusions
do you really have a good intentions?
I once been fooled by too much trustin'
please don't let me feel pain
that will break my heart all over again.
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This is pretty good. Everything that I can see that's wrong has been pointed out by Vernon, Mizz and Summerless. (Good job guys
)
I agree with mizz-iceberg and Vernon.
Like Vernon said, I think you need to develop your ideas more. You're telling us all these lines that don't mean much because people complain things like this daily (at least where I live). Try adding unique lines that makes your poem different. Many of us know what it's like to love someone at a point of time when he/she doesn't love you back. We need to find a greater depth telling us why it is like that.
Like mizz-iceberg said, the poem does seem a bit tedious. Try adding more poetic elements like metaphors, similes, iambic pentameter, etc.
Hope this helps--
- Summerless
Don't let Vernon discourage you. He can be rather blunt, but he only means well. All the things he pointed out are true. But I think this poem is actually better than your other two. I understood it this time. And I could see the confusion there. Of course to make this okay poem great, one way would be to jazz it up with some fresh imagery and descriptive word and more emotions.
Right now the poem is tedious and yes a tad boring. I feel as if I'm just reading words. Which I am. But I should feel more than word, I should experience something. Like I've said before read more poetry.
Also check out Bubblewrapped's poetry. She's a member and an awesome poet:
profile.php?mode=viewprofile&u=45
Try and compare yours with some other poetry. What's missing in your poetry? Try and find the difference. I hope this helped.
You get nothing but boredom from this, it's cliche and tedious. Again you forget most if not all puntuation only putting a few. It seems more like a rant doesn't even let us feel anything, which poetry should do. You should tell us, whereas you should show.
And the title, if you planned to get us have that, then ya did. Also frustration of lack of langauge techniques and clicheness of this.
Overall: You need to read poetry pronto. Poetry by the greats. Because this isn't poetry, to be blunt it's a string of questions and ideas.
Good luck
VSN