I lay down in my bed
trying to put him out of him head
It is still a puzzel in me
why did he decided turn away
He came to my life unexpectedly
made me believe for his deepest sincerity
all I see is paradise
not knowing that everything is just his lies
Why didi it happen
in just one glimpse my heart was broken
I am so down and I can't run
from then on, I never saw my sun
I loved him faithfully
I gave my heart so he can trust me
but i was so fool, blind and crazy
I gave my everything but behind me
he is just laughing.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi there Lex, and welcome to YWS. Nice picture you have there.
Overall impressions:
The problem with your poem is that it only consists of generalisations and statements. This isn't poetry, as you didn't even made an attempt to justify or give reasons as to why you feel the way you do. This leaves very little for the audience to search for, making it rather difficult for the audience to feel sympathy with the narrator.
While I'm at it, don't you think this poem seems a bit one sided? Did you ever consider his feelings and thoughts? There has to be a reason as to why he did what he did. Everything that we do in our lives, it's done with a purpose in mind.
Think deeper. Give reasons and examples to back up what you are saying. Make the poem yours. Bring in your life experience into your work.
Good luck.
Andy.
I would go through all of your mistakes, but vox nihili already took the liberty of doing so.
However, to tell you the truth, it pained me to read this.
When your audience has to reread almost every sentence and figure out what you're trying to say, you have not done your job at conveying your message to them.
!!GRAMMAR/TENSES!!
Please, please, PLEASE work on those! I cannot stress enough how important proper tenses are in your work!
If you rewrite this THEN I will be able to read it and enjoy it, but until then, I don't want to have to go through each stanza trying to decipher what you've written.
I hate to be so harsh, but no one ever improved from comments alone.
*anti-pop
I lay down in my bed(,)
(T)trying to put him out of ?him? (my) head(.)
It is still a ?puzzel? (puzzle) ?in? (to) me(: )
(W)why did he ?decided turn away? (decide to turn away?)
He came ?to? (into) my life unexpectedly( ; )
(He) made me believe ?for? his deepest ?sincerity? (insincerity.)
(A)all I ?see? (saw) ?is? (was) paradise(,)
not knowing that everything ?is just his lies? (he said was a lie.)
Why did?i? it happen(? )
(I)in just one glimpse my heart was broken(.)
I ?am so down? (this would sound better as something like: 'was so torn down,) and I ?can't? (couldn't) run
(F)from then on, I never saw ?my? (the) sun
I loved him faithfully(,)
I gave my heart so he ?can? (could) trust me(.)
(B)but ?i? (I) was ?so fool? (a fool), (; ) blind and crazy(.)
I gave (him) my everything, ?but behind me? (should just be the next line, in my opinion)
(H)he ?is just laughing.?
I'd say "just stands laughing"
I loved the poem, the emotion, and everything. But the tenses were messed up. You jump from present to past, past to present. Work on that, and the grammar/spelling. You're a good writer, but could get better. Keep working on it!