when your fingers burn to the bone,
and your offspring are left alone:
cold, damp, dirty and pathetic,
holding outdated immoral ethics,
just blame those that you raised,
it's much easier to play it safe.
when you lie within a bed of dirt,
and your offspring are left cursed
by a hierarchal prejudice system,
just stay there and lie in your hearse,
and blame those that you raised,
it's much easier to play it safe...
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
That's really interesting.
The flow of words is just amazing.
I wish this was a bit longer, but may be the shorter the better!
Without a lot of heavy dosed words, the poem makes a great impact.
I would suggest that instead of repeating offspring twice, you can replace it by bairn. That would avoid repetition.
Other than this I have nothing to blame because satire is anyway my favourite genre and you have made a commendable effort.
Hi there! Pony123 here to review.
Keep writing!!
You have a awesome poem.I like the first stanza alot! It is overall very good with rhythm. I do think it would be easier if you capitalized the first letter of each line. Also, the last line seems repetitive. I would try to mix up the syntax a bit more. As for word choice, I'd say less "big kid words" and more easy to read, simple vocabulary.
Nice job!
Pony123
Deadman here with a review for you today! First, welcome to YWS! If you need any help feel free to PM me and I'll be glad to help you. Second, what a great piece to start your YWS journey with. Finally, I'm so glad that someone agrees with me. It is the generation ahead of us, *cough* Parents *cough* that is responsible for the disobedience and outright terrible children coming up. I was actually surprised to find someone else who had the same beliefs. The fact that you wrote a poem and not an essay was also a nice shock. You executed this poem perfectly too. You got your point across as well.
My favorite line being,
"just blame those that you raised,
it's much easier to play it safe."
Okay so maybe it is two lines, but that is the part that really stuck out to me. Now I'll jump to nitpicking your work.
Okay so I have one nitpick and it's probably me just being weird.
"and your offspring are left cursed
by a hierarchal prejudice system,"
I just feel that there should be some kind of abbreviation after cursed.
Other than that, I really really liked your poem. You did a great job at explaining the topic. I hope I helped, and until next time, happy writing.
Cheers,
Deadman XD