Published March 13, 2010
They Paved the Way
They came with shovels
Driven, fortuitous, and strong
Forward they must go
Working, working, working
A man’s game; a woman’s game
Clad with rags and calluses
Dirt on their white shirts
The sun on their skin
Shining, reflecting, and profound
Working, working, working;
Discarding of the dirt on the ground
Paving
Looking back
Watching and Watching;
The weak,
They watch, and they wait
Sitting and asking; Are they done yet?
The strong paved the road, and now the weak will follow
Hopeful
Driven, fortuitous, and strong
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! This piece needs some work. Just because this is a poem does not mean that it does need punctuation. Also, your subject matter seemed a little dim and confusing. Let's take a look.
Who came with shovels? Why did they have to? What's wrong with the place that they have to go? Have there been rumors of gold underground? I'd recommend adding a few lines above this to explain.
This confused me. What are you describing, the men or the shovels? Secondly, what does "fortuitous" mean? I'm guessing that few people know what it means as well, so you'd might want to replace with a simpler synonym.
This line can probably be deleted. It has little context within the poem and is just confusing.
Calluses usually take a while to form. If they had just been shoveling, they'd probably have blisters.
This gets a little off-topic because you go to describe the beauty/effect of the sun and your poem isn't about that.
Repetition here. I'd delete "Watching and Watching" because at first I thought you were talking about the men, and secondly, it just doesn't fit in context.
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And your last stanza wasn't bad.
Overall, this was a poem of pretty standard quality. It wasn't good, but it wasn't that bad either. Revise this and it can edge toward something. PM me if you have questions.
-Elinor
Hello!
I'd like to begin by saying that in terms of quality, this was decent. I didn't see any missing elements (for example, descriptions without an idea), and it wasn't boring to read. That said, I'm rather puzzled by your use of the word "fortuitous". A glance in the dictionary told me that this means "by chance" or "accidental", which seems odd given the apparently precise agenda of the workers; are they not there to build the road? Especially with 'driven' placed right in front. Or perhaps did you mean that the workers simply decided to help out one day? Just curious.
Now, as for that third line of the third stanza, which Howler mentioned, I would say that if you had worded it slightly differently, you could have kept the punctuation as is. I think that if you swap 'asking' with "wondering", you won't have to add quotation marks, which signify dialogue. *shrugs* a suggestion, that's all.
I had a few favorite lines, including "Watching and Watching" (gives importance to the act, interesting decision). I will say that second–to–last–line of the first stanza uses the word "profound", which can't be recommended, because you had to tell us, instead of letting us draw the conclusion ourselves. Find an alternative word to stir the emotions.
Thanks for sharing this with us. A "like–it", indeed.
–antimelrose
First off, let me welcome you to YWS with a picture of a piece of toast;
Now, onto your piece. I really enjoyed it, there's just two very little things that need some correction;
"Are they done yet" should be in quotation marks, and "Sitting and asking;" should have a comma at the end, not a semicolon.
Sitting and asking, "Are they done yet"? (That's how I think it should be. Looking at it now, maybe the comma doesn't even need to be there, it can just be a space between Asking and Are. Whatever floats your boat, I think either way'll work.)
Well, I guess it's only one thing. It's one line, but two problems in it. I can't find much else problemed with it, and it certainly painted an image in my head with every line, being a big reason why I enjoy this piece. Keep up the good work, and have a lucky day!