When the light shines on the new grown grass,
I feel the hope to peacefully relax,
I imagine myself lying in the hot sand,
On a stranded island that would be so grand,
To say that I wish this place be real,
For to my senses that they do appeal,
But sad to say this will never be,
For life is a endless fantasy,
Filled with hope and unrealistic dreams,
That hide the endless means,
But it’s fun to dream of what could be,
For who doesn't need a good old fantasy,
To carry us through the hard times,
That make it hard to even rhythm,
And how hard it must be to string up rhymes,
For I only do it to pass the time,
But know I go back to those hot sands,
And dream of the days that could be grand,
And for this dream roams every mind,
When the light shines.....
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Hi! Interesting concept, here's what I think: "Filled with hope and unrealistic dreams, That hide the endless means" are two connecting lines that don't flow as well as the rest of the poem. The syllable count in the first line is more than in the second, which causes a break in the rhythm that could be easily fixed. I feel the same way about the last two lines; when you have couplets they have to really flow together, which is what the end does not do. Again, these can be easily fixed with a little bit of editing. My last thing, I'm a bit confused as to what you were trying to say here: "To carry us through the hard times, That make it hard to even rhythm". I'm assuming you meant to type "rhyme" instead of "rhythm", but if that's the case then you would have to consecutive lines that used the word "rhyme", which I advise against for variety's sake.
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
While the first line is quite nice and flows well, the second line's rhyme feels very forced.Nit-picks
Okay so the first thing I noticed was the use of rhymes. Now while they help with the rhythm, some of your rhymes felt quite forced.
http://wikirhymer.com/words/sand Here is a great link to a rhyme website that helps you find rhymes for any word your looking for. It should help a bit with finding rhymes.
Another thing that I noticed was that you didn't keep consistent with the rhymes like in these places
The important thing with rhyming is to keep the flow consistent or it will make the poem fell jerky to read.
Also you will want to try to not use the same rhymes over and over again like you did with "be" and "fantasy" and "sand" and "grand". It makes the poem less interesting for the reader. Don't feel discouraged through, I have the same problem and fall into the same rhyming rut. A bit of practice is all it takes to prevent this.
Grammar and Punctuation
I think you meant to use the word "rhyme" instead of "rhythm".
Overall thoughts
Theme: I really liked the theme of your poem. It was uplifting in the way you told me to keep of dreaming and fantasizing things. It is easy to forget things like this in the busy world now days and it's good to be reminded to keep dreaming.
Description: Your description and over all picture in the poem was beautiful, but I do thing there's some room for improvement. Take this line for instance. You used the same description "hot" for the sand earlier in the poem already, so to make it interesting for the reader you could use instead of "hot" you could use "golden".
Title: I thought the title to your poem was perfect. It was inviting and went perfectly with the poem.
Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.