Published May 7, 2008
his days are numbered in the crash-course direction
tracked down and censored through the beaten screen
he's found no solace in displays of affection
his quality learnings are bound to concede
the studies he's searched for don’t exist on the page
the arguments he's debated make no sense
his life has returned to its sheltered cage
his life has crumbled down its defense
he'll kill for the money, that ridiculous gold
he'll charge his love for the innovation guise
he'll mark his hands with his head, that innocent gold
he'll kill before the new dough comes to rise
what happens to a dream gone sour
he told me it doesn't fade away
one day his dream will come to overpower
maybe then he’ll stop his decay
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,380 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
Nice, I like it. It's original, something hard to come by - Nothing there feels cliched, it is refreshing. The phrases themselves are expressive and somewhat enigmatically strung together, especially the last two lines.
Repetition at the beginning of the lines is effective, my favourite stanza is probably the third stanza here. "Innovation guise" is interesting, confusing when I first read over it but it has a ring to it.
Not as keen on this stanza as the others. The rhyme scheme in the previous ones was less obvious, more subtle and the rhyming of "away" and "decay" in this case is too overt.
A suggestion (feel free to disregard). A rhythm may aid the flow, not that I noticed any troubles with the flow in particular, but in parts you're already very close to having a steady rhythm and it may aid the rhyme scheme.
Liked it.
I didn't quite understand this poem, but the last two stanzas were quite powerful, and intriguing. The second to last stanza really made it seem more....dark, and troubling. This was quite intense.
It actually started out as a non-rhyming poem, but I didn't like it that way. Oh well
Nice poem. The rythm was slightly akward in this particular style though. Other than that I enjoyed reading it, especially the ending. Good job.
I like the assonance you put in
and
It makes up for the rhyming that wasn't there.
I like the last stanza. It's more powerful than the other ones.
Nice work.
- Summerless <3~