I was two when my life fell apart
(For the first time that is).
It’s an age often forgotten
(Despite all the troubles that a child at two causes).
We often look over the memories that were received,
Yet there are some that stick
(Like a bug you can’t seem to flick).
The memory of a leaving, of sorrow.
Life moves along, and nothing should be wrong.
Yet life’s never that kind, is it?
I was six when my sister came into this world
Looking like strawberries and snow
She didn’t cry, she just looked around
(As if waiting in silence for a show).
I and she grew (as us humans do),
And alas, so the troubles did.
I’m fifteen now, my sister eleven, and when I look at her I see two year old me.
New to this world of troubles and hurt
She finally sees what I see.
Will the troubles ever end?
No, it’s unlikely.
But as I write this you’ll see.
I said two year old me, not six or fifteen.
We all go through cycles, it’s clear.
I found my help to get through the day
Through poetry and stories.
She’ll find hers too, and guess what? So will you!
We all were two once, and that’s true.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I love the concept of this. You break the fourth wall by addressing the audience very effectively. It's an inspiring message. I also enjoyed the fact that I went through all of the emotions with you. My one criteria for you is that your rhyme scheme could use some further development. I was a little confused by the fact that sometimes it rhymed predictably, and sometimes it didn't. My advice would be to choose one or the other--either every line needs a rhyme, or none of them do. I'm so glad you found solace in writing! It's a great way to express yourself to others. Good luck on your future works!
Hey there lemonayyde (cool name, btw
). Tuck here for a quick review. Let's jump right into it!
This should be "she and I"
Overall Thoughts
The first thing that jumped out at me was your lack of stanzas. I think that adding in stanzas will improve your poem because it provides natural pauses, like paragraphs in prose. It gives the reader a bit of a break and helps to separate it up more naturally so that it doesn't feel like a big run-on sentence.
Secondly, I think that you could better utilize capitalization and punctuation to improve your flow here. Playing with capitals will make the sentences feel more conjoined and the thoughts feel more complete. Punctuation will also go a long way, for obvious reasons. Just like punctuation is a necessary part of prose writing, punctuation also is necessary in poetry to dictate the way the sentences are read and create the ideal effect on a writer, not to mention the necessity for some of these longer thoughts to be broken up by commas and dashes and such.
And finally, I noticed when I was reading that you said your sister was born when you were six, but later said that when you were fifteen, your sister was eleven, which is a four year age gap instead of a six year age gap. Something there doesn't quite add up, so that's something to consider while editing.
But overall, I like some of the thoughts you had here! The concept of the innocence of age is one that is fun to explore in poetry, and I like what you have here. I think with a bit of work and a few touch-ups you could make this into something truly inspiring and wonderful. If you have any questions about my review, just let me know and I'll do my best to clear up any confusion! Best of luck in your future writing endeavors!
~MJTucker
Thank you for the review! I totally see what you mean, this is a rather old work and I am not much of a poet, but I will take your advice into consideration for newer pieces and perhaps rewriting this one!
Nice story. However it should maybe have a few more description pieces. Other than that it is super cool. 😎🧐😀
Thank you!
Nice story. However it should maybe have a few more description pieces. Other than that it is super cool. 😎🧐😀
Nice piece of work.... Liked it....
Thank you!