Young Writers Society

Hi there, Lemonayyde! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review your short story today. ^^

Okay, let's see what you've got here...

First up, you have an interesting concept here. I like it. I like that it gives me the slight feeling of being unbalanced when I read it. You did a good job with that part. And that ending. Eek! But I can see how it would be scary to know the world was ending, to see it ending, and not have anyone else see it or believe you. And to have them call you crazy. *shudders* That would be terrifying to me.

“I mean that I don’t see it, Val! I really don’t know what else you want me to say.” James retorted back, obviously unsettled by the way his friend was acting. “There is nothing there- you’re just pointing at air!”

I really enjoyed this! It seems like a dramatic set up with an ambiguous ending. The two characters, even with very little introduction, are given clear personalities and can be identified with. I especially liked how Valerie's choice at the end matches what we see of her ideals at the beginning- that of a logical and scientific person. I just really wish this was longer (unless you're planning on continuing it, it which case it's the perfect length as a form of teaser). It seems that there's a lot of potential for a longer story.
Overall though, it works really well for what it's meant to be, and I'm definitely going to be keeping a lookout for more like this in the future!

Hi lemonayyde!

Hiraeth here to review this amazing short story that you've written.

First, I love the plot. I like how in just a few, short lines, you've managed to makes us care for the characters; you've portrayed both Valerie's and James' personality quite beautifully. And if your other short story (Infamous, I believe) is anything to go by, I'd say you have a gift for these things.

Madness. Hysteria. I am thoroughly intrigued by these topics; I love people who've gone bonkers (just an 'Alice in Wonderland' fan talking here, don't mind me), so I absolutely love Valerie (the present Valerie, not the old one who though mad people weren't telling the truth); however, James reminds me a bit of that doctor in Alice Through The looking Glass (this time I'm talking about the movie) who thought that Alice had the common case of Women's Hysteria. Pfft. Talk about ignorance.

I was rambling again. Back to the review!

Critique:

"Valerie exclaimed as she exasperatedly pointed towards the giant hole in reality suspended only feet away from her finger," So, this sentence has two issues: number one, (and the most obvious one) you're missing a word or two between 'only' and 'feet'. I'm guessing it was supposed to be 'only a few feet away' (someone's been a careless proofreader! ). Next, number two: you say 'giant hole in reality.' Now, we already know that whatever Valerie is seeing is real to her. Saying 'reality' again in that sentence feels like the author is trying to put too much emphasis on that particular point; it's really unnecessary, if you know what I mean. It's not what a confident author would write, you know?

“How...How can you not see" How...How= How...how (there's a capitalization error)

"James expression grew more and more concerned as Valerie spoke, looking around the room before starting to move towards her slowly as if each step was a risk." James= James'
Also, there's some punctuation missing in that sentence. The construction could've been better too. something like, "James' expression grew more and more concerned as Valerie spoke; he looked around the room before starting to move towards her, slowly, as if each step was a risk."


"Valerie muttered to herself, backing away from her close friend as he approached her, " when you say 'close friend' it doesn't really add much to the story, you know? And it doesn't sound very good either; maybe 'closest friend' would sound better. I say just remove it entirely and say 'James.' It won't make a difference to the story.

"of the world’s end that only they could see." this sounds a bit off too. Try: "of an end of the world that only they could see."

"The next words came easy to her," this sounds better if you write: "The next words came easily to her."

Of course, you may or may not disagree with me; it's totally up to you to heed my advice

Keep writing, I really liked your story.