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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! I liked this
It actually put me in a good mood, which is saying a lot XD You're getting better with every poem I see, and you were awesome already.
Since I liked it so much, I really don't have a lot of critique. Only one thing really jumped out at me.
I didn't really like the two 'Worse' lines. It seemed like your poem had such a positive atmosphere that repeating something like 'worse' felt a little odd. Personally, I would take these out. The poem still runs smoothly without it ^_^
So awesome job! Keep writing poems, you're really good at it
Hullo.
You could definitely do a lot more with this. At the moment, it reads like a rather curious shopping list of poetical ideas:
See what I mean? There's no logical follow-on as far as I can see.
There's so much optimism in summer - that you captured. But then you left it and just hoped the reader would make up their own imagery. So you right from the off, I can see that you've taken a viewpoint on summer and attempted to de-construct it according to that persona - but where's the lucid imagery to link it together? The same can be said of the rhyming - it's upbeat and plentiful, a great reflection on the season, but still fairly arbitrary. It does nothing for me.
So I'd recommend you took one main idea and put at the heart of the poem. Build everything else around it - take, for example, the idea of "that's how I grew up" - so it's about memory, perhaps? Where does this memory come from? Essentially the point I'm trying to make is that you focus on a couple of vibrant images and try to tell a story about the persona according to them. Otherwise it feels like a cheap rambling - and you don't want that! You can do better.
Best of luck! Let me know if I can help.
-Blinky
Hi!
With the structuring, I would recommend you to divide them up into stanzas, since they could be divided really easily. Like this:
And so on. I think that structuring it like that will make it look neater and easier to read.
Also, with the repetition here:
They worked for the first two lines, but I'm not sure about the rest. I think that it'll be more effective if you just used repetition in the first two lines and leave the rest as one words.
I think that this is a very good poem, it's got a very light-hearted feeling about it. However, you described summer in all the obvious ways, like watching t.vs, partying and all the rest. What about the rest obvious? Like colgate smiles? It's things like that that makes a poem more powerful and enhance it. I don't think it'd hurt if you put a few more things like that in your poem.
I also liked the end how you changed the structure a bit and mentioned the philosophy of summer, I think that made a very nice ending to round off the poem.
The structure of this poem was my favorite part by far. With every three lines you added a new piece of summer to the puzzle, everything seemed to flow pretty well, and it definitely had a specific cadence to it. The one thing im curious about is the complete lack of punctuation. It adds a certain flow, like how all of these senses, thoughts, and feelings are rushing into you quickly, i personally like that effect. I don't know what i'd change even after looking through it several times, so very well done.