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User avatar
Danny
Review
Danny wrote a review · Wed Mar 30, 2011 10:55 am

Hi!
I don't think I've ever read a poem on this topic but this is cool. I like how you started and rhyme is pretty good. But the flow sort of breaks in the middle. Try working with different words to maintain the flow. And sometimes, it is better not to capitalize each sentence beginning.
"Is to stick with the "in"
Crowd
But I want to shout it aloud
I want not "in" "T
he rhyme here sounds forced. I think you should edit this. Also, the next two lines are obvious. Try giving that thought more imagery.

User avatar
NerdBurga
Review

Wow, ok I really liked this :)
I think one thing about your poem is that so many people can relate to the message you're trying to convey here, so it makes it a lot more meaningful.
I will just get a few suggestions and editing tips out of the way:

I know they think they do us best
By telling us that we are then them #0000BF ">This bit I admit doesn't make much sense to me, try to be a bit clearer about what you're saying
When they know we have our battle scars
Still they place us behind
Same's old metal bars #0000BF ">I think this line should maybe joined with the last one, so you keep the same rythm to your poem
They tell us to be a clone
Not yourself, not your own #0000BF ">REALLY liked this bit
They tell us it is for our own good
That if we be ourselves
We'll be misunderstood #0000BF ">Same again here, but again maybe join it with the previous line?
They tell us to better ourselves
By not being ourselves
And that the best way to fit in
Is to stick with the "in"
Crowd #0000BF ">This probably isn't the best way to keep the flow of your poem going, but I know you want it to rhyme. Maybe you could try saying "Is to stick with the crowd that's in" instead of having to make a new line to say crowd. Just an idea :)

But I want to shout it aloud
I want not "in"
I want out #0000BF ">I like this bit also, but maybe another way of saying it could be: "I don't want in, so let me out" or something. Again, only an idea, it's your poem
So who cares what they say #0000BF ">Great line to finish on, a positive one that basically sums up the message in the poem


So there you go, I really like your poem and think you could do more like it :) Please PM me to let me know what you thought of my review, if you get time
Thx
They feed us hopeless lies anyway



Russets and tangerine shades of old gold flushing the very outside edge of the senses ... deep shining ochres, burnt umber and parchments of baked earth—reflecting on itself and through itself, filtering the light.
— Guildenstern (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)