'Why majesty?' he questioned, 'She has done nothing wrong.'
'That is where you are wrong Carthian,' he uttered, sparingly through his teeth, 'she broke the heart of my best soldier.' He glared hard at his child, looking for something, anything to stop him from doing this. But he couldn't. There was nothing left in the soul of his offspring. 'My daughter will be executed for messing with my soldier.' His daughter looked at him, with no emotion at all in her eyes. She seemed unbothered that she was about to be taken by death. Carthian, the visor, grunted, 'Defend yourself woman! You're about to be hung for all to see! Aren't you the least bit scared?' He looked to the girl. She was smiling, almost like she wanted it to happen. Like everything was going according to plan...
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
this is really nise I like it. is it you firs short story.
@leightonpie
I love this concept so much!!!!!!1
The suspense of it all really makes me excited to see more from you so I hope you decide to continue this story. With that being said I think that there are a few things you should take notice of as you continue, that mainly being the details and specifics of this world you are building. There are so many things in this that could benefit from some more detail; like the identity of the soldier and why the king values him so much, or why the breaking of his heart is as much of a problem as is stated. When you write you create rules for your world by showing how your characters react to them, so I would love to see how this idea that heartbreak is worthy of death will effect these characters. Which leads me to my next point.
While I understand that since this was so short that there was next to no chance to delve in and build these characters, but if you do decide to continue this I hope that you take notice to give us the readers an understanding of why the king must value his best soldier over that of his child.(this is really just a restatement of my earlier point on details but I felt that i should provide more explanation on it)
Once again I am super excited to see how you continue this story should you decide to do so. Best of wishes.
HEY THERE, LEIGHTONPIE ! CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Here's what i think :
U have just done amazing so far; the suspense was almost killing me.
Until of course, the aforesaid suspense was ripped away so suddenly! The reason why: the length (or lack of it,rather) of your story.
Keep writing! U have great taste. I can tell. *winks*
Furthermore, on the subject of your writing,BE MORE SPECIFIC. The phrases "broke the heart of my best soldier" and "executed for messing with my soldier" doesn't quite hit the spot. Please understand. Show ambiguity in the right places and you'll be just fine!
Keep hustling,
Axelle.
Hi leightonpie Rodger here for a hopefully quick review all thanks to you!!
So lets get into it;
Firstly l would like to congratulate you for writing, a singled out a few points l want to talk about from your story first the things you did a wonderful job on..
First Suspense..... This story is a perfect example of what suspense should be, from the begging to the end. every sentence leaves you with that an answered anxiousness of (what Happens next) From the very first sentence " Why majesty? he questioned, 'She has done nothing wrong." Already builds up an questions as to what or how the story will work out in the readers mind. And that is the whole idea suspense keeping the reader always wanting to know what happens next. And you utilise the element of mystery and uncertainty excellently in this story.
Secondly Emotion.... Emotion in every story is important but the type of emotional aspect or from where or between how the emotion is plays a crucial role, example Family Lovers Children-etc. And in this story the emotion is between the a father from what l could understand I am speaking under correction leightonpie, might have been the king and his daughter.
The only bad part or thing about this story is it is too Shorty!!!!!!! l just wish it could have gone a little bit longer creating more meaning and message for the reader. Besides that well done and Remember to Never Stop Writing(N.S.W)