Deep Deep in the cave where I seek,
Inside the hole where the shadows creep,
Seek, Seek, the light in the deep,
A noise, a sound, an end, a creak,
Dark Dark in every heart,
Shadows lurk and watch to mark,
Courage Courage, it fades in me,
There is evil there that does not sleep,
Dark Dark, the chill freezes my heart,
The shadow waits for us to meet,
I know they have planned for me a special treat,
They’re after me heart to corrupt and eat,
Darkness lies in every heart,
Every heart was born to be dark,
In the shadows where you cannot see,
A light will lay before you to see,
Kill Kill, I know they will,
Unlock the door, do not fret,
The evil hasn’t even begun its evil designs yet,
Life Life, the darkness brings it strife,
We fight it with all our strength and might,
Sleep Sleep, where the heartless creep,
To take your heart, and open it to the darkness,
Rage Rage against the birth of the light,
Fight Fight with all your might,
As the light grows and takes over the night,
In the abyss, where there’s broken hearts,
You’ll drown in the void where forever it is dark,
Deep Deep, is where I weep,
Love is here, but fear is what I keep,
Sleep Sleep, in thy gentle night,
You’ll wake in the abyss where there is light,
Where the shadows dwell,
And where the darkness says farewell,
Fear Fear, I know they’re here,
Dark Dark, stay away from my heart,
Scream Scream, please let this be a dream,
Fright Fright, I have no strength to fight,
Hark Hark, the dark hasn’t entered my heart,
The shadows have released me from their mark,
Light Light, I found it in the night,
The darkness somehow makes it more bright,
The shadow and darkness may eat the heart with its great mouth,
But deep down inside, there is a light that never goes out.
--Any suggestions?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hey there legondre.
The first thing that I noticed about this poem was the rhyme scheme you have running, which was obviously well thought out. There's a few points of concern in something that worries so much about having every line rhyme and that's the appearance of forced rhyme. I can hear it in the wording as I roll through it, which is hurting the message that comes through because structure is already sending a message to the audience.
I think I see why you needed to have a massive rhyme scheme like this. You wanted to have this certain mood to it and poems written in that style, are mainly rhyming poems on this level. Another issue within the rhyme scheme is that it keeps changing throughout the poem. And while a change in pattern throughout the poem isn't really that much to fuss about, I'm concerned with the rhyme you tried to make on the last line.
"mouth" and "out" do not quite rhyme together and having this ending, weakens the rest of the work you've done, through the fault in structure and the content. I never got a good sense of the poem in the beginning because you're relying far too much on the repetition of light/dark. It gets to the point, as a reader, where it all just fades together and you're no longer making any big statements that appeal to me.
So overall.
This is a good concept.
And admire the work that was put into the rhyming.
There's just a lot of work to be done in a lot of places.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
I liked the message.
Many here are going to tell you that rhyme schemes suck. But, in this one, the rhyming didn't seem forced at all, except for in a few places.
This poem reminded me of The Lord of the Rings, and I'm not sure why. I guess it was the style, or something.