Published October 6, 2008
Bach is bright but
you are brighter
leafing through history
in the wrong way.
Your eyes are nice
when left unrubbed and
there are no drugs a
perfect "o" in the middle,
like the end of dynamo.
Buzzing in my pocket,
on my nightstand,
on my couch,
on my pillow,
in my hand,
please don't call again tonight.
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140,867 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Bach is bright but
you are brighter
leafing through history
in the wrong way.
<"leafing ... way" confused me>
Your eyes are nice
when left unrubbed and
there are no drugs a
perfect "o" in the middle,
like the end of dynamo.
<"like ... dynamo" can be eliminated>
Buzzing in my pocket,
on my nightstand,
on my couch,
on my pillow,
in my hand,
please don't call again tonight.
<Sweet ending>
Ultimately, this is a sentimental poem. I like it though. I do suggest both eliminating and elaborating! This has a lot of potential!
EDIT, EDIT, EDIT
Adrian