Published October 6, 2008
I see myself as crippled
Tripping over body fat and corpses of my cat
Innocent in conquest, but at the same time Mordrid himself
I’d name my child that but I’m afraid to have kids
Because of the pain of birthing,
and the possiblility of a mutant skin disease
I see myself as a coward
I want to kill myself
But I’m only saying that to cry on cue.
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The first two lines are great!
Next four lines are veering.
The next line is ok.
The last two lines are fantastic!
Punctuation wouldn't hurt.
And, being less vague would work wonders!
Hi leftnoa -
When I see a poem as humorously cynical as this, I am intrigued. There is something so fascinating about the style, a kind of mundane character assessment that we all go through, but with such attention paid to the little details that it leaves us feeling amused, estranged but still connecting, if that at all makes sense. Basically? You capture the paradox of human existence simply and humorously.
First line - meh. Seemed a tad emo to me. A bit too droopy-eared and wallowing in self-pity. But getting past that is definitely worth it to read 'Tripping over body fat and corpses of my cat / Innocent in conquest.' That made me laugh, since it's swings the balance in the opposite direction - instead of self-pity, we have self-knowledge and amusement at that. I'm not crazy about punctuation, actually, so I won't comment there too much, but I should probably warn you that I find the style where each line's beginning is capitalised (with nothing on the end) appears just a tad sloppy. This is a personal suggestion only: just capitalise the beginning of each sentence and not each line. Of course, it's entirely up to you.
So, some more exposition on the narrator, a deepening of the character assessment, and some quirky-browed humour again that we do not expect - which makes it all the funnier.
Ha. First two lines swing us right back into that wallowing self-pity, fittingly, just before we dive back into the realm of skepticism and sarcasm and tongue-in-cheekiness again. And it ends on much more of a bang than it begins; but since the intention is to highlight self-deception anyway, it works, since it ties in with the way you deceive us in the poem.
So. A succinct poem, that captures the futility of living in a laughable manner. Well done, indeed. My only suggestion is to make this a little more coherent; tie your little images up a bit more with more of an overarching theme so that instead of reading as lists of examples, they might address the matter directly, complement each other more.
Thanks for the read, regardless. Feel free to PM me if you've got questions.
Navita
Umm, I agree, this poem is certainly "interesting".... but somewhat morose. Maybe you could elaborate a bit more on the unspilled tears of yours in that poem. I sincerely hope you are not at all linked to the emotion in this particular piece of poetry... keep on writing!
~Lindsay
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hi Leftnoa! I didn't really get this poem, but not all poetry is meant to be "gotten."
You don't need the word "as" here.
If "corpses" is plural, "cat" should be, also. If you only have one cat, it probably wouldn't have multiple corpses.
I like the whole sentiment here, but it doesn't really ring right. "I'd name my child that ..." is sort of off. I can't explain it. It's something about the meter, I think. I like the whole bit very much, but I have to agree with Sassykat on the word "mutant." Did you mean "mutation"?
I don't really understand the part about crying on cue, but I sure hope it isn't true. Oh, look, I made a rhyme! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it! Maybe it's because my feet are Longfellows!
Anyway, nice poem you have here! I hope you continue to elaborate on it!
- Abigail
I must say, this was...interesting. Really, the only thing I have to say is that the word 'mutant' doesn't ring right to me. But that is just an opinion.