We were sitting in a somber room that evening. Candles had lit it up almost completely with one lantern placed on our table and a dimmed light overhead in the center of the room. The walls were shades of reds and browns, pictures ironed against them of landscapes and detailed flowers. The floors were completely wooden and polished so perfectly that one could slide on them with socks on. On one side of the wooden table was a chair, delicately carved with ornate patterning and a soft red leather cushion on the seat. On the other side was the red leather couch that had been built into the wall to act as another seat for more people. It seemed to have been the perfect place for what I hoped would be a perfect night.
We were all alone in the small room with just the menus on the table and a waitress walking around every few minutes. People were talking and enjoying their evening far off on the other side of the quaint restaurant. They would simply sit and continue enjoying the music playing on their side when conversation had died and we were forced to look around aimlessly when silence was apparent. Unfortunately, I wish silence occurred more often than his words. The sound of his voice may be beautiful but the words that were to come out were worse than any kind of silence there is. I couldn’t allow what was about to happen bring any sort of “high hopes” to mind because high hopes lead to expectations and expectations lead to disappointments.
The moment of truth had begun when I finally asked the question that had been drilling into my mind the second he had agreed to come here with me. The hour before I brought this up was spent eating, drinking and making small-talk and when that long pause of silence finally came, I took my chance. I braced myself, pondering on the question for a bit in my mind, wondering if this was going to make me or break me. I looked at him and smiled when he spoke about his grandparents, his holiday overseas when he went to see them and so much more. I listened to what he said, I truly did, but at the same time I was contemplating taking my hands, wrapping them around his neck and pulling him towards me to kiss me so that everything wouldn’t have to be said out loud, that actions could just speak for themselves. I was too scared to take the long pause of silence to start talking about what we were really there for but it was going to have to happen eventually. And so it did.
“What is it you wanted to talk about?”
And at that second my gut said nothing was going to be alright with what was to come. I knew the words shouldn’t have spattered and spilled out at that point but, for the past few days, I was hoping the sun would come out and glisten upon our faces, the butterflies would creep back up into our stomachs, our smiles stapled across our mouths. I was wrong. All that came were clenched hearts, fast pulses and beetroot cheeks, nothing more and nothing less. The thought of just pulling him towards me for that kiss came back into my mind so that I could avoid the answer to my question at all costs, so that I could just kiss him for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, I would have to be faced with the truth eventually and he knew I wanted it to be face-to-face. I was starting to second-guess that part.
Our discussion went on for what felt like years to me. He told me everything about how he felt, what he wanted and where he wanted to be in his life at that point. He made it clear that there were certain things that stopped us from being together, that it would be something he would seriously have to think about. I just sat there and absorbed it all, not really knowing how to react. Inside, I felt like just crying for my stupidity, hitting myself in the face for thinking that this night was going to turn out any other way. I may have been feeling that way on the inside but on the outside I was quiet and said the occasional “Okay” every now and then. He kept asking if I was fine with his decision but he probably already knew the answer.
Eventually, there was another long pause of silence when he asked me for about the fifth time “Are you okay?” and instead of giving him an answer I just looked at him and thought to myself ”Just hold my hands, look me in the eyes and kiss me” and then, as if he read my mind, he said:
"You know, I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time."
I thought it was awkward and embarrassing because I just felt my face burn and my pulse speed up again. He was probably trying to break the ice in an attempt to just say what he knew I wanted to hear. My thoughts for the whole evening were surrounded around the idea of just kissing him and making him feel something and so when he finally just said it out loud I took the opportunity as fast as I could have and just asked:
"Then why don’t you now?"
- Based on a true story
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey ldbonita! I thought you did a really good job with this piece. I really feel the emotions of these two people and what they're going through. I think part of that comes from your writing style, which is absolutely lovely, and the other comes from this being a down to earth and relateable situation. Not long ago I wrote a story quite similar to this myself, and its fun to see the parallels in a work that I didn't even know existed until now.
I think what would strengthen your piece the most is developing your two characters. Neither of them, at this point, have names, and while nameless characters do work in some stories, I think it will be the first step to making sure that these two are as fleshed out as they can be. The best works come from when we recognize our own struggles in the struggles of characters. To leave two characters blank and allow us to fill in for our own lives isn't enough. The characters need to feel real enough so that we can empathize with them. Delve in to their backstory, how they met, how this date came about.
You have a really good start, I just think that adding these details has the potential to make this tenfold more powerful. Good luck!
Thank you so much for this feedback
I was actually thinking of using this short story as the basis of a novel which is why I didn't want to elaborate on the characters too much. I almost want it to be a snippet from the novel, if you know what I mean? What do you think about that?
I like how you convey the apprehension and anxiousness of both people here. I actually found myself getting nervous while reading this piece! You also did a good job with describing the setting, and also with the thoughts going through the main character's mind.
However, I found the ending to be very disjointed from the rest of the piece. For one, it just ties up everything far too neatly -- life, and first dates especially, is messy! Instead, the story goes from being pretty well-grounded to a dream-like sequence at the end. if you go back to edit this, I'd actually remove everything after "Then why don't you now?". Leave the rest up to the reader's imagination, and I think your piece will be stronger for it.
Also, although I really do like the descriptions, I'd trim them down some. There's a quote I like (although I can't remember who said it) that goes something like, "If you describe the gun on the wall, then someone had better use it later on." In other words, only describe that which is directly relevant to the story.
Personally, I think that goes too far, but you nonetheless want to make sure your descriptions are relevant. For example, describing the exact placement of the table in the restaurant is going overboard. In fact, when you give too much description like that, it can actually make it harder for the reader to paint a picture in their mind of what you're describing.
Overall, though, I thought this was a good piece. Solid writing style, and you effectively conveyed the emotions involved, which is extremely difficult.
I do find that I tend to describe the setting too accurately which can be overwhelming for the reader. Considering that you noticed that as well, I think I will definitely edit that. Otherwise, I'm really happy with how you responded to it overall. The emotion is what I wanted to use to add gravity to the story so I'm glad that it impacted you the most in the piece. Thanks so much for the review!
" On one side of the table was a chair, delicately carved with ornate patterning and a soft red leather cushion on the seat. On the other side was the red leather couch that had been built into the wall to act as another seat for more people." - I think you could combine these two sentences.
"I couldn’t allow what was about to happen bring any sort of “high hopes” to mind because high hopes lead expectations and expectations lead to disappointments." - I think you're missing a 'to' between lead and expectations.
In the third paragraph, I don't think the 'moment of truth' needed quotation marks, unless the narrater was trying to be sarcastic. Same goes for the 'alright' in the fourth paragraph.
I'd recommend using something other than quotation marks for thoughts, as it may make the reader confuse them for actual dialogue.
Also, for the last line, 'have had' sounds a little awkward, I'd change that to the present tense.
Over all though, I really enjoyed reading this! It was relative to the readers, and you managed to accurately capture the feelings in one event, and elaborate on them grandly and vividly. Very good job, well done! I look forward to reading more from you!
Thank you, I will definitely consider these points!