Published June 8, 2010
"stars so bright they blind me. Yeahhh. Don't close your eyes, don't fade away!Don't fade away! ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yeah, you and me can light up the sky. If you stay by my side we can rule the world!"
Story of my life! Yeah, I know it's over! I just can't get over you. He was amazing in every way. It was two years a go. From apperance I have moved on. But night is when it all comes back, figures, I lie on the balcony everynight at 12pm (this was our time) and listen to our song (^ above by take that), it was all so perfect however so impossible.
A tear as silent as night edged out my eye and flowed down my cheek onto the ground below me. I have something to tell you and it's got to be fast! I have kept it bottled up for too long. Now i feel like it's going to explode and rip my heart out! I am in so much emotional pain i feel like someone has shattered me in a hundred peices! i can't live like this, not anymore. Not after what happened...
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,704 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Sooo...this is a pretty interesting piece. It is a little unpolished on first glance, and while I make it a point not to point out grammar stuff on most of my reviews because they are always little typos that don't really impact things, here I feel like there's one too many typos and errors to the point where I find that it actively hinders the reading a bit and then I just have to say perhaps you need to run this through autocorrect a few times and just check it a bit more thoroughly here, cause it can be a real problem when the mistakes are this numerous.
Moving on from there....this is quite interesting. I will say that. From the details that we can make out here, it seems like you've got a pretty interesting idea happening here and you present it in a way that does get your attention even through the slightly chaotic spelling here and that is definitely a good sign. I think this could make for a pretty interesting piece, if it was just fixed up a little bit here and ironed out a bit.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there! I'm Danie, and I'm here to review for you. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.
All in all, the last paragraoh was the best in that it had some description. Not so much the rest of this though. You bounce between tenses, and talk to the reader like they are the boy. It is very confusing. I think you should read over my comments and re-read your story after you make a few corrections.
PM me if you have any questions.
Always,
~Danie
thanks i will remember that! and i will keep writing i mean i have to to getin the college i want toi go to x oh... and thanks for the spelling mistakes ill check that now!
Okay, sometimes it seems like you are just talking to use, and the other is that you're reading poetry. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes. ALWAYS edit and double check! Keep on writing.