This actually should've been placed in fanfiction, seeing as how I actually based it on Twilight, but it came from me, and the names just... flowed.
Please don't comment on how this is romantic fiction, please. Just this one part has a tad of romance in it, it changes throughout the story.
And please note that I decided to post this because it just came to me. I will include it into a story, somehow. These little things just come to me, and I need to express and share them before they are gone.
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The sun was a majestic yellow, like the lion's mane. The graceful Hibiscus, beautiful in its many colors. The breath-taking whites, pinks, reds, and yellows. Perfect in every way, so funny my favorite flower should be here, I thought to myself.
There was something in the distance. Something... ravishing. As the figure grew closer, a sheepish grin spread across my face, unvoluntarily. I quickly struggled to conceal it, before the form came across it.
He chuckled. Had I not hid the smile? His laughter made me self-conscious.
The giggles were suppressed. He took me in his arms, and stared at me, deep into my eyes. Past the joy, past the laughter. Straight down to the core. A point, which was clearly expressed on my face, that made me quite uncomfortable. He finally gave in.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him, still dazed.
"I'm... looking for something." he said mysteriously.
"And, what would that be?" I inquired.
"Why, that would be you," he said these words through his velveteen voice, which made them all that better.
"Me?" I spluttered, utterly confused.
"Yes. You." he confirmed.
I felt as if I had been falling, and he had caught me. Completely off-guard, of course, but, I was safe none-the-less.
The feeling made me a little light-headed. "Why would you want me?" I was to baffled to think for myself.
"You are my love. My sanity, and I want to be with you forever." The way he said these words, it was as if he were about to propose, which scared the living mess out of me.
"Oh, wow. I love you, too." Too stunned to think of something to match that silky smooth declaration, I just settled for what I knew. Just keeping it simple.
"What do I have to do?" he asked with anguish and sadness.
"For what?"
"For you to love me in the same capacity that I love you."
"Oh, well." I was stuttering, now. "Edward. I have loved you since day one. You are the stars in my eyes, the beat to my heart, the love of my life, forever and eternity." There seemed to be a speck of hope in his eyes. "You are my reason for living, my reason for being. I may not know how to word this exactly right all of the time, but, it doesn't change the meaning. Not now, not ever. Edward, I love you more than any other human could ever dream of loving another human being."
He muttered something about the fact that I was so wrong.
"Wrong about what?"
He blushed, which, in turn, just made him all the more beautiful. The slight rosiness to the pale skin, perfectly chestnut hair. Nothing more nerving. I came to the conclusion that he didn't think that I would hear that.
"Bella. I have lied to you, and I can never forgive myself for that."
"Edward, what are you talking about." His gaze was taking its toll on me. I have never been more frightened in my life.
"Bella, just listen. I have something to tell you. I think you deserve to know." I just stood there and nodded. "Bella, you can't even imagine how hard this is for me." He started to do a little hyperventilation, which is so rare, I have never seen it in my time with him. "Bella. I am... a... vampire."
I stood there and just burst out into hysterics. "You! A vampire. Yeah, right. And I'm Freddy Flinstone. Way to break the moment there."
I looked into his eyes, and I could not have felt worse. His pain was my pain, I knew every thought that was running through his head. I realized how much I had hurt him, and how serious he was from beginning to end.
"Oh, Edward. You're serious, aren't you?"
"Yes. Yes, I am." There was slight confusion in his tone, now.
"What's wrong, Edward?" I asked, curious to find out the meaning behind that expression.
"Why aren't you running away? Aren't you afraid that I'll hurt you?"
I sighed. "Nothing could keep me from you."
And I ended that just then.
He drove me home, and I fell asleep in his arms.
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Okay, I did some editing, and changed a few things around.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Overall it was a good read. But I found myself getting a little bored in places. There was a bit too much telling when expressions and emotions were concerned:
Confusement isn't a word. Confusion?
Statements like this, while fine, shouldn't be used at every turn. It's boring to read over vague declarations of emotion with no accompanying description.
This is different. I like this, because you've coalesced the emotion of the moment with a personal revelation. It flows better than a mere: 'Embarrassment spread over his face.'
The implications of Edward being a Vampire would be interesting to explore, though I did find Bella's reaction a bit weird. Clearly though, a weird reaction stems from the weirdness of vampires to begin with. It just wasn't overly convincing for me.
Finally, I'd like to note the lack of description of the setting after the poetic beginning. It didn't clarify much to begin with, which was a little bit annoying for me. I would have liked to know more, but it is, after all, a small piece.
Hope I was of some assistance, and do persevere. For all those tiny mistakes and nuances, there's the rest of the piece that I did find tolerable.. maybe I even liked it a little.
Very good, I'm impressed. I especially like your descriptions.
That was a great description right there.
I'm not sure that "fair maiden" really belongs in this story. Try revising that.
So far very good though, keep up the good work!