He reacted in an abnormal, unusual sort of way, not how I would have expected. He seemed passionate. He seemed like he actually cared. For once in his life; he actually cared! I found it difficult to register everything his mouth was telling me. The words seemed to stream out like goo. I just heard the meaningful whisper which tore my guilty heart in two.
“I thought you were different, unique almost perfect in fact. I loved you. I still do but... we can't, I can't listen to this. I can't handle it.”
“Harry please?” I cried, fighting back the explosion of tears in my wide eyes. His reply made my shoulders shake rapidly as the floods fell and dripped off down my crimson cheeks. They took a dive off my chin and landed on the stone tiles on which we both stood with our frozen bare feet. “I love you too”
“But that’s the thing; do you?” He mumbled as cheeks became pale and his eyes teary. He eyes were like pools of perfection, evenly placed on his well-crafted face. Yet today they seemed distorted, full of anger and almost sore. The blue tinge which usually glistened had turned to a different blue, a strange blue, a cold blue. I was lost in his eyes and ignoring how intense his stare was.
At this moment my mind had gone back to the first time I saw his face. He looked so beautiful that evening, so comforting and warm. He asked me to dance and we hit it off straight away! For months we have be super glued together until just rently. Now look at us... We can't stop fighting.
I inched myself closer to him and attempted to repeat that first kiss to settle to disagreement. My eyes shut tight and I leaned forward awaiting the warm, fresh feeling of his lips against mine however, I was left disappointed. He placed his rough hand on my right cheek, kissed my forehead which sent a tingle down my spine. He stared deep into my face once again. And that was it; a final stare. One minute his perfection overwhelmed me and the next it had gone. My eyes followed his footsteps as I watched the handsome figure float into darkness.
I awoke alone, so alone. The feeling overwhelmed me and I resolved to cry once more, but my eyes had dried up and no matter how I tried, not a single tear fell. My body shone with fragility. I forced my limp arms to push my bones body up. I inspected my surroundings. It seemed strange, different to what I recalled. The birds were whistling in the tall oak trees like a restless breeze. I know I will never find a love like ours again.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
To be honest, this whole story nagged a lot. You spent a lot of time whining which made everything a bit boring and such a cliché. There some parts also where you over exaggerate things, like with the tears. Once you make your point, move on to the next on. I get what the topic is about and what point you are trying to get across with this, but try to spice things up a bit. Also, develop your characters a bit more. It's always a bit awkward and confusing when you finish a story and you have no idea who the characters are. Don't get me wrong, your writing is really good, but the story needs to be improved.
Keep writing.
I thought This had some good and bad points. I didn't really get what was happeing in the story but I felt connected to the girl in the story, it was as if my heart was breaking along with hers. I think this could be much stronger if you add more backround about what was happening. Your writting is amazing! gettting the message across needs somework. =)
This was kind of confusing considering how little conversation you had going on. The description was absolutely lovely though, it was like I was there, which is hard to accomplish.
“I thought you were different, unique almost, perfect in fact. I loved you. I still do but... we can't, I can't listen to this.
This part left me a bit confused because the reader doesn't know the background of the story, we don't really know what he doesn't want to listen too anymore. It's almost to the end of the story that you mention how much they were fighting.
I can't handle it.”
This piece reminds me of New Moon abit, when Edward and Bella are in the woods. But regardless this was absolutely wonderfully descriptive. Maybe you could focus a little more on the conversing next time.
This was wonderfully done though-Keep writing
-Rayne
Eh. This story was ok. You have some rhyming patterns in this that I don't like. It makes it seem like you attempted writing a poem with this, failed miserably, so you added more detail and turned it into a "short story". This whole story seemed failry generic; unoriginal. You used "He" to start off 8 different sentances, and overly used "I", which is a huge pet peeve of mine. I did like some parts, though.
I liked this part. Your descriptions created very nice imagery for the mind, and it had a nice flow to it.