Published June 18, 2007
The red rocky ground. The stars that seemed to go on for eternity. The sandy taste.
Lifeless. Everything about it. The atmosphere, the air, even the sight. But finally, after over one year of travelling, the moment had finally come. They had landed on Planet X.
Ann, Afsheen and Mark all stood at the air tight window. It was strange, neither of them had any emotions. Finally the silence broke.
"Ready?" asked Mark in an uneasy tone.
"I suppose so." replied Ann.
"Oh for heavens sake, come on!" Afsheen said impatiently. His fist slammed down on a button for the door to open. And just like that a gush of emotion swept through them. Ann and Mark just stood there in amazement. While Afsheen practically ran out as if he hadn't felt it.
Afsheen had a sudden adrenaline rush. However, as he got to the bottom of the runway, he had to stop. He didn't know why. Just a reaction. Soon after, Ann and Mark came out. They all stood at the bottom. All at the same time, without knowing it, they breathed a deep breath.
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Try to stretch it in a few pages it wouldn't be too bad to have a nice beginning and an end would it?
So none of them had any emotions, but they speak "uneasily" and "impatiently"?
First off, it's very short but for the moment I shall look past that...
The red rocky ground. The stars that seemed to go on for eternity. The sandy taste. [This isn't much of an introduction. Snappy sentences don't work without the contrast of long, descriptive sentences and I'd like to see more unique language.]
Lifeless. Everything about it. The atmosphere, the air, even the sight. But finally, after over one year of travelling, the moment had finally [Don't repeat finally. Think of another word like eventually and perhaps arrived rather than come.] come. They had landed on Planet X. [I think the others have highlighted what's wrong with this name.]
Ann, Afsheen and Mark all stood at the air tight window. It was strange, neither [Neither? That implies two people rather than three. Use none maybe.] of them had any emotions. Finally [Again? Try 'after a time' or 'after what seemed forever' anything other than such an over-used word.] the silence broke.
"Ready?" asked Mark in an uneasy tone.
"I suppose so." replied Ann.
"Oh for heavens sake, come on!" Afsheen said impatiently. His fist slammed down on a button for the door to open. And just like that, a gush of emotion swept through them. Ann and Mark [s]just[/s] stood there in amazement while Afsheen practically ran out as if he hadn't felt it. [Felt what? I'm a little confused.]
Afsheen had a sudden adrenaline rush. However, as he got to the bottom of the runway, he had to stop. He didn't know why. Just a reaction. Soon after, Ann and Mark came out. They all stood at the bottom. All at the same time, without knowing it, they breathed a deep breath.
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Extend this, increase the tension and make your characters more real. You've got some diversity there which is good but I want to see Ann and Mark as seperate people too. Also, I'd like descriptions but it's not a bad piece.
I need more. This doesn't do it for me. I'm not drawn in. I'm intrigued but with such a small amount I'm not intrigued enough to venture further. I hope you put up more.
Your grammer and stuff are good. Just keep an eye on repeptive stuff like pronouns and names.
Hi there! Not a bad piece, not a good piece. It isn't so much that your writing is bad, it's just that this is so very short, that it's hard to judge how good the story is. Nothing much happens, and we're still totally clueless as to what's happening by the end (at least I was
).
I would replace "one" with a simple "a". It sounds better.
Gah, please don't use that name! It's so cliche! Come on, use your bright imagination and think of a better name, because Planet X is not something you want to be using, since it sounds like something that has been used in every bad sci-fi movie ever made. Just a thought.
Okay, the way you worded this is weird. From the way you have it written, it seems like they are not capable of emotion. They aren't unfeeling robots, are they? (If they are please correct me.) I think it would be better if you said something like "They felt no emotion." Something like that, just so we know they have emotions and are just choosing not to use them at the moment.
You need to have a comma instead of a period after "so" This is because you have a tag, which means the sentence isn't over yet.
Other than that it was fine, but make sure to post something longer next time so we have more to like.
I'm not sure about the description here, it just doesn't flow for me.
The description here is good. But Planet X? It sounds like something ut of a bad 40's pulp fiction magazine.
This should be none.
Try showing us that mark is uneasy, rather than just telling us, it will make the piece a lot better.
delete impatiently, its implied in the words.
Combine these sentences into one, it will flow better.
The same thing here, try, "While Afsheen ran out as if he hadn't felt it, Ann and Mark just stood there in amazement." also delete the word practically, he either did run or he didn't.
I don't know about this paragrap, it just doen't read right.
That's all the comments I have for now, other than that, good job, and I can't wait to see what comes next.
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