Published December 28, 2007
I wake up on Friday
I ask myself
Did the letter come in the mail?
I wake up on Saturday
I ask myself
Did the fax go to my printer?
I wake up on Sunday
I ask myself
Did the messenger boy come?
I wake up on Monday
I ask myself
Did the paper come?
I wake up on Tuesday
I ask myself
Did the E-mail come?
I wake up on Wednesday
I ask myself
Did the text message come?
I wake up on Thursday
I ask my self
instant message come?
I wake up on Friday
I told myself
My letter, fax, messenger boy, paper, e-mail, text message,
and instant message, all come today!!!
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141,423 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
hmm... it was alright.
As everyone else who reviewed, it WAS kinda flat. As my reading/l.a. teacher would say, "Show, don't tell (it's boring), show, don't tell (it's boring.)" You should show more than tell. Maybe by replacing "ask" with "queried", and "come" with "arrive" or (something.)
You also need to fix "I wake up on Thursday I ask my self instant message come?"
Other than that, again, it was alright.
This is very repetitious and has very little for the reader to connect with. As Snoink would say, it's something of a "shopping list" poem. Try showing us rather than telling. Perhaps describe the things you see while waiting, or the way it feels to be waiting so long for so much. Give us something to interact with, something to spark our imaginations and get us to understand what you feel. Otherwise, there's no point in this poem for the reader.
Cheers,
~bubbles
First off - 'hopeing' is spelled 'hoping'
Secondly, this is a very plain poem, with no 'showing' just telling. Nothing interesting, just blah. Did this happen? Did this happen? The end! Nothing to make the reader interested, or feel attached. I'm not a poetry person, but this is nothing special.
Sorry to be so blunt,
- Dreami