Published June 10, 2008
wake up
open your eyes
it's so crazy
how you could
think of a person
one way and then
they turn out to be
the exact opposite
the way they tease your mind
and send frost bits to your toes
every time you see them
it's messed-up how
you say one thing
and then you totally
deny it
and laugh in my face
then you study my face
and scenes fury in my eyes
and then your mouth doesn't work
because you feel that you've said something stupid
it's weird how
I think of you
and I'm not ashamed
of it
because your the weird one
not me
It's funny how
I leave you
and laugh
in your face
and you try to
come back to me
but the way I feel about you is as
good as a deathly spider bit
sour and horrible
That's just some
CRAZY stuff
so wake up
and open your eyes
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
i have bugged so many people about this and you are no different, hands off the enter key!! so many lines i can't even count them i hate when you use the enter key excessively. its an okay poem, but i don't exactly favor it. yes it does seem like it was written randomly, i can tell. i don't think that this is the best you can do for this. so the improvements you need to make are, stop enter keying, use different vocabulary, and don't use word repetitively. other than that i guess you're good. but i don't think that this poem is among some of a person's best work, no offense, it's good for a draft, but then i would rewrite it in a different way and it would be so much better. just remember my advice, and don't make these same mistakes again.
You keep on repeating the word crazy, yet it doesn't really seem crazy. In fact, and this sounds weird, but it sounds normal. Crazy, isn't it?
So I would probably make it even wilder and fantastic. Don't just go on about normal stuff and laughter and everything. Make it more random so that it is startlingly weird and definitely crazy. You see, you can do some really good stuff here because there is a double meaning with the word crazy, and if you emphasize the insanity aspect as well as the silly aspect, you'll have a really creepy but awesome poem.
I tried to fix up the poem
so tell my what you think
I lOVE suggestions on how to
make them better
thanks a lot
This doesn't go anywhere. You're talking about how it's crazy that things aren't the way you think they are, I think. But you don't illustrate that very well. You simply tell your reader that, that is the case. You need to show your reader how it is through examples. The classic show don't tell.
Should be deny it.
The one thing that really characterizes this is your lack of meaningful direction. You need to have a reason behind everything you include if you want to write good poetry. So there should be a distinguishable purpose behind what you write and preferably a way of linking them.
Currently it isn't so much something which builds to a conclusion but something that just has loads of smaller disconnected parts which don't connect. The conclusion is especially random.
So the two things you need to do to improve this?
1. Show more than tell, provide something that makes us draw the conclusions instead of tells us.
2. Think carefully about the meaning of your poem and then include events that serve a purpose to build to what you want.
At the moment this just doesn't do anything emotionally, or idea wise. It doesn't offer something new or thought worthy.