Nia

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this was a bittersweet little short that you have here. It doesn't seem to really tell us much of anything but then there does seem to be some deeper feeling buried in there that perhaps you could have tried to bring out a little bit more by giving us some background around these two characters. Right now it is a little sad to see that they are separated but we need to know more about how much they cared about each other to see the true power of them having to part ways possibly forever.

Anyway let's get right to it,

When I was four years old I was a typical little girl.

I suppose pretty much everyone behaves pretty typically at that age at least from what I can tell from experience but of course that is just me and I am being very nitpicky at the moment because 'tis my job.

I played with dolls, had tea parties and hugged and kissed my mommy and daddy. But the problem was that I was shy. In the year that I was in kindergarten, I met Nia Jones. Nia was anything but shy. Nia laughed, smiled, and was amazing outgoing.

Well most four year olds do tend to be shy so I'm sure Nia was the exception. And that is a really sweet little point to show two characters meeting. It really gives the whole thing an innocent backlight to it and you just have a really nice way of expressing it. I don't know if I'm just imagining this but this whole reminiscing sequence seems to be written in a style that somehow manages to echo the way that a young kid might talk about it.

In the first few weeks of kindergarten Nia and played together, but I was still shy. She tried to open me up but I just wouldn't let her. Then one day Nia came to me and said, "Maya, get your little hot dog off that bun and put some mustard on it." Suddenly I fell to the floor and laughed my hot dog off. Ever since that day I opened up. Nia changed my life, and now I am just as out going as her.

Well that got kind of weird there for me..perhaps I just didn't quite understand what the joke was..xD I am dumb. Other than that it does seem like a really sweet memory that you bring out here again. I'm definitely very intrigued by this point as to who Nia is.

To this day, I think of her every day. I never saw Nia again but I know that she she thinks of me every day too. Every summer I always want to she that girl who told me to get my hot dog off that bun.

So I assume that she never saw her after kindergarten for some reason....like moving away or something. (Mentioning what this is a little bit more specifically would be really helpful here). Other than that this is a really sad little ending. You can definitely feel how sad this girl must be after having lost here childhood friend like that and its such a sad statement there at the end mentioning how they will always remember each other. Now I really want to know more about these two and how they ended up separated.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a still a pretty nice little short to read and a pretty sad little monologue by the character that is reciting this. Like I said more background on these two would go a long way to making us just a little bit more invested in these characters but other than that you've done a wonderful job.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

This is a really short memoir. It only has one anecdote, and I don't know...obviously this girl is important to you, but I just am not getting why she is so important. You said why, that she made you outgoing--but through one joke? I think you need to expand this more to get the readers into it, because I certainly wasn't. Through this memoir you need to show what type of a person Nia is and get us into this story.

Your writing is bland in this piece too. It's very "This happened, and then this, and this is how I changed, this is how I felt, etc." at this point. But this can change...more of a personal narrative might work better and describe the scene of the first meeting with Nia. Vary your sentences. SHow, don't tell. Also, there has got to be more than just the hot dog thing that had an effect on you, Nia-wise. And if there isn't, there has got to be more in this girl's personality than you showed.

To this day, I think of her every day. I never saw Nia again but I know that she she thinks of me every day too. Every summer I always want to she that girl who told me to get my hot dog off that bun.

This ending needs a bit of work. THe first sentence sounds awkward. How do you know she thinks about you too every day? A sixth sense? And the last sentence doesn't make sense...

I wish you luck.
This has potential.