Tears
are falling down
my checks
Sadness
is flowing through
my body
Memories
are running
through my mind
The way I feel
about you...
I can' explain
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
bubblewrapped said the main things.
I'd like to say that this poem does nothing to go beyond the ordinary. In fact, the only thing that makes it a poem is the application of physical traits to emotions; otherwise you're simply stating actions occurring with no real metaphorical significance. (Prosaically, as bw said.)
Give it some creative, poetic "umph!" in order to engage real world emotions. Think hard about how you feel when you're sad: the words that run through your mind, the way your heart beats, everything. Reach past the physical into the metaphysical, and pull out something emotional and gratifying.
Keep writing, and welcome to the site!
Hello again! Lest you think I'm picking on you, 'm actually just going through reviewing those poems in each forum which have less than three critiques XD
As to the poem, well, I felt there really wasn't enough substance here. I like the way it trails off slightly at the end - the ellipse is used to great effect. However, the poem itself could really be expressed in a single stanza, you've just chosen to stretch it out.
If I were you, I'd condense this down to a single verse, something like;
"Tears are falling down my cheeks,
sadness is flowing through my body,
memories are running through my mind:
The way I feel about you...
I can't explain."
and then build on it ("checks" should be "cheeks" by the way). The repetition of the "x is verb-ing" structure diminishes the impact of each image, so you might want to think about reformulating those lines, as it gets a bit boring. Also, a bit more imagery would help, as Jasmine suggests, to convey your emotions a bit less...prosaically
Happy editing, and Happy New Year!
Cheers,
~bubbles
This was nice and concise. I'd use punctuation, and change "can'" to "can't." I think that you could go deeper with this, and make it fresher. Maybe try playing with imagery and really try to make the reader feel the speaker's sorrow. I liked how you trailed off at the end as it conveyed the speaker's resignation, which was effective. Hope this helps.