Independent

by laughingfreakx3
  • August 9, 2008
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Be independent
don't sit there,
cooped up in a shell
your actions affect everyone around you
and you act so confused

You tell me lies
and don't comment to your promises
I have to pick your brain
to get the truth out

There's no communication between us
you say you'll be here by 6
and you get here by 9
whats wrong with you
why don't you speak to me

Noting is private anymore
I vent to friends on the phone
and the little ones
they know whats going on

We want you out
but you say you need more time
but the truth is
you have nowhere to go

I am so frustrated
I am losing my mind
we just need to push you into the water
and you have to know to swim by yourself.




This is about my cousin that is living with us and I put it in my parents perspective.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
She Writes
Review
She Writes wrote a review · Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:13 am

MAYA!


Hey, girlie.

I'm a bit unsure of this. I think it is a good idea, but I know it could use some editing.

------CRIT---------

Be independent!

don't sit there,

cooped up in a shell.

your actions effect everyone around you

and you act so confused.



You tell me lies,

THIN don't COMMIT to your promises.

I have to pick your brain

to get the truth out.



There's no communication between us;

you say you'll be here by 6,

and you get here by 9.

whats wrong with you?

why don't you speak to me?



Noting is private anymore.

I vent to friends on the phone,

and the little ones...

they know whats going on.



We want you out,

but you say you need more time.

but the truth is

you have nowhere to go.



I am so frustrated,

I am losing my mind.

we just need to push you into the water,

and you have to know to swim by yourself.


--END CRIT--

I love the last two lines. Good metaphore!

Keep working on this.





Court

User avatar
Insomniac Review
Insomniac wrote a review · Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:04 am

I liked this a lot. It reminds me a lot of something, a movie, a book, an expirience of mine.. I can't put my finger on it.

The only mistakes I noticed were two spelling errors or typos.

In the beginning, effect, should be affect. And "noting is private anymore", well I think you get what you are supposed to change it to. ;]



Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende